World's Greatest Mom(s), and why they hate you (a little) on Mothers' Day

3 May 2011

Valuable Advice

Your Mom is the World's Greatest Mom, 

and she hates you for that, a little:

Two contradictory and equally true facts, and some tips to help you get through Mothers' Day

Fact #1: Your mom is the World's Greatest Mom, and so am I.

Disclaimer: this post is openly sexist, in "honor" of Mothers' Day. Dads can feel free to edit the "moms" into "dads" and declare themselves the Greatest. Because, come Father's Day, you're going to be getting a lot of ties. And you don't even like to wear shirts with collars.

Chances are, you think you have the World's Greatest Mom. And chances are, you do. Because no one else loves you so much, and no one else sees the spark of brilliance in every little thing you do like she does and no one else makes you feel quite so at home.  Also, it's unlikely that anyone else has seen you so intimately at your most vulnerable, and made you feel so safe and secure in your hardest times.  Even once we're grown, nothing's quite as reassuring as that hug from mom, or that vote of confidence. And however crazy you might think your mom is once you grow up and see some of her motherly flaws, no one really knows you the same way she does, and no one else loves you in quite the same way. So congratulations! You really do have the World's Greatest Mom.  I think I saw someone wearing her shirt the other day.

For the record, my own mom actually is the World's Greatest Mom, and I have a number of friends (who have moms of their own) who readily admit this. I have the kind of wonderfully supportive mom who really loves nothing more than being with her children, and who always did the best littlest things to show us how much she loved us - like putting notes in our lunch boxes and making us feel like the "favorite" all the time. My mom is the mom all the other kids wanted - the one who lets you stay on the beach from morning til sunset, the one who makes lunch into a backyard picnic, the one who makes every day more fun than it really should be.

And despite the fact that I'll never measure up to my own mother (the truly undisputed World's Greatest Mom), it turns out that I actually also happen to be the World's Greatest Mom to the World's Greatest Children. They are amazing children - smart and funny and resourceful and sweet and adorable as can be, and the large part of what makes me the World's Greatest Mom is my ability to prove beyond a reasonable doubt the myriad ways they outshine the other children of the world in nearly every way.  Barring giving birth to or adopting another child myself, I can't think of any other child in the world who could bring me the joy these two do. And I'm pretty sure that's what it means to be the World's Greatest Mom.

Moms are the Greatest because they think we're the Greatest. Which is very sweet, and nothing makes us love our mothers more than growing up and finding out how untrue this is - how we really aren't as great as they believe, deep in their hearts, us to be.  And this deserves some celebrating.  So thank your mom, and thank your kids, and thank yourself, for knowing that our many, many flaws have nothing to do with our potential greatness. Thanks to motherhood, we can all be the greatest, and we all are the greatest.

I totally believe this to be true. So if you were looking for some feel-good reading for Mothers' Day, you can stop there. Or copy/paste and send just that part on. Because the next part is also true, but not quite as feel-goodish.

The World's Greatest Mom (center) and the World's Greatest Children

Fact #2: Your Mom hates you (a little) on Mothers' Day, so watch your step

This morning, my kids were talking about Mothers' Day, which is coming up this weekend.  And my four-year-old daughter said "Mothers' Day is a special day where moms don't have to do any of the bad work. Like laundry, or vacuuming, or dishes, or washing floors..." and then she and her brother started listing all the "bad work" that (typically) I'm the only one who does around here.  And, not surprisingly, the prospect of having a day off from all that didn't make me feel very excited about Mothers' Day at all.

Despite the fact that she is the Greatest, I think deep down every mother really, really hates Mothers' Day.  Don't get me wrong - she loves the extra hugs and kisses, and the adorable painting or card or birdhouse you made and the heart-melting smile on your face when you come running into her bedroom, at 6:04 am on a Sunday morning, to let her know that she can sleep in because it's Mothers' Day. She loves you so much, in fact, that she feels a little guilty about hating Mothers' Day so much, and would never, ever tell you to your face that she wants to throw the World's Greatest Mom paperweight you bought her with her own money out the window, and then not clean up the mess.  She hates that paperweight and deep down, she hates you just the tiniest bit for thinking she would like it. Because it shows that you don't really know her, that she could really be any of the many greatest moms in the world who are also exchanging a day of not doing any "bad work" for a day of receiving depersonalizing trinkets.  Which she would never say to your face - and she would probably never even think it out loud in her own head - but it's true. So watch your step.

In theory, Mothers' Day is a pretty great idea - a special day for being extra sweet to your mom/mother of your children and telling her how much you love and appreciate her.  But that's not really what it is, even though that's what we tell ourselves. Mothers' Day is a combination of forced consumerism and torture.  It is a constantly looming and brutal reminder of all the thankless work we do as mothers, and how inappropriate it would be to demand appreciation for doing this work more than one day out of the year. 

So, here's a little valuable advice for avoiding World's Greatest Mom-related injuries.  If you follow these five easy tips, you might enjoy a pretty fun Mothers' Day, and your mom might actually appreciate you instead of just feeling like you felt obligated to prove you appreciate her:

1. Never tell your mom "You can sleep in today."  This is just a painful reminder of how she never, ever gets to sleep in, and how terribly, terribly tired she is. Every day of the year.  It is also a reminder that she needs "permission" to sleep in - and permission from a child no less - something she most certainly did not need in the deliciously carefree years before she had children, when she could go to bed drunk and wake up at two o'clock, if she wanted. And sometimes she did want that.  So just say "good morning" when she wakes up, and don't mention anything at all about clocks.
2. NEVER tell your mom "You don't have to do any work today!"  This is the most insulting thing you can possibly say to your mother.  Because it means that you fully expect her to do all the work on all the other days and implies that you have no real intention of being so helpful on any of the days to come.  Better to just let this drop, and do a few unasked things throughout the year, and don't bring up your knowledge of how little work everyone else does compared to mom, unless your intention is to solve that problem by doing your fair share for a change.
3. Never buy your mom a gift that has the words MOM, MOTHER or GREATEST on it.  While it's true (see above) that your mom is the World's Greatest Mom, there's something about knowing that there are roughly 1,000,000,000 identical made-in-China trinkets just like that out there that just makes her hate you a little. Your mom wants a gift that proves you think she's unique. And while calling her "the greatest" does seem, on the surface, to set her apart from the rest, it does not, in fact, make her feel special. It makes her feel depressed.  She'd rather have candy. Or flowers. And those are also not very high on her list, for the record.  She'd be happier if you bought her the book she's so excited to read, or the shirt she'd never buy herself, or a gift certificate to that restaurant that only she likes but all the rest of you hate, because that proves you know what book she wants to read, and what shirt she wants, and what food she wants to eat. And knowing that you know her is a better gift than anything else, and all she really wants.
4. Don't assume that just because you purchased some dumb thing for your mother in the past, that she now "collects" those things.  I learned, in my 30s, that my own mom never wanted to collect snowmen, or windchimes, or any of the other stupid crap we keep buying her, and I feel terribly guilty about that.  By projecting a phony idea of what she liked onto our gift-buying, we created an endless cycle of giving that forced her to not only collect, but prominently display, a bunch of stuff she hated - and with five adult children, you can only imagine how her "collections" have grown.  In my own case, my desire to collect glass spheres was profanely corrupted into the bizarre idea that I collect glass eggs, which I hate.  Eggs are antithetical to my aesthetic. Spheres are perfect. Eggs are not. But now I have a glass egg collection on permanent display in my living room. And I hate them, but thanks to the binding commandment of maternal gift-getting (Thou shalt never throw into the garbage or sell at thine garage sale a gift thou received from thy child), those eggs are here to stay, and I have, in a sort of sadly ironic way, become my mother.  The good news is, there's an easy way to avoid this: just ask your mom "When did you decide to start collecting x?" and if the answer is "when you gave me one for Mothers' Day," immediately stop buying those, unless they are explicitly requested.  Because your mom hates those and she can never tell you that. And she hates you just a teeny tiny bit for thinking she loves them.  Bonus tip: Don't even THINK about saying that your mother is "ungrateful" if she accidentally (or, bravely, intentionally) expresses displeasure over the crap you mistakenly and inconsiderately think she wants.  If you think this, you are a terrible, terrible child and do not deserve your mother's company.
5. NEVER, EVER use the expression "every day is Mothers' Day" unless you plan to back that up with some work around here and start bringing flowers around for "no reason".  If every day really was Mothers' Day, we wouldn't be having this conversation, and your mom wouldn't have to dread getting her fake enthusiasm up for whatever thoughtlessly generic gift you felt obligated to buy to prove you love her.  Because (a) your mom already knows you love her and you can't measure that love in gifts, no matter how hard you try and (b) your mom loves you too much to tell you that she'd much, much rather feel appreciated all year long than be singled out on the most impersonal holiday of the year to be told that, like every other mother, she is the Greatest. But you know what would be the greatest mothers' day gift of all? Thanking your mom for making you feel like the greatest, and leaving that bit about "doing all the bad work" out of it.
   
   

   

   World's Most Disappointing, but Permanent, "Collection"

word of the day: sanctimomentary

because we really needed a word for this...

sanctimomentary, adj.

1. Characterized by an instant of religious feeling (and the accompanying sense of moral superiority) that comes over people at moments of convenience, then quickly vanishes.
2. The tendency to engage in, or habit of engaging in, sanctimomentary behavior.

Cf: Observance of "religious" holidays; suddenly-sacred behavior during public prayers; the tendency to shed a single tear when listening to "God Bless America" and then get back to the party.

Usage:
The facebook community was flooded with sanctimomentary posts acknowledging the "reason for the season," as the part-time faithful raced to avoid being considered among the 98% Who Won't Dare To Post This. 

The Best Unsolicited Advice You'll Ever Receive, Guaranteed, Or Your Money Back

This is the first of what will likely be many, perhaps countless, installments of free and unsolicited advice, assuming I continue to feel like giving advice, and/or people feel like receiving it, in which case I will provide complimentary solicited advice. I hope we all learn something.  Because this is going to be very valuable advice. Believe me.

There are a few jobs in this world I think I'd be really, really good at (judge, minigolf course designer, communist bed and breakfast proprietor, writer of books, advertising tycoon, etc), but life is short and it's getting a little late for me to get started in most of them, by which I mean I'm either too lazy to do it or don't really want to. And as I prepare to embark of the beginning stages of my midlife crisis, it's time to accept the fact that it's becoming increasingly unlikely that I will fulfill my one true calling in life (Beloved Advice Columnist). It's time, therefore, to take matters into my own hands and officially start my new, part-time, unpaid career as Unsolicited Advice Columnist Extraordinaire (I added the "extraordinaire" to stress that I have a lot of experience in the advice-giving department, and that this is really high quality advice).  I understand that I'm trading in the "beloved" for the "unsolicited" here, but at least this way the dream lives on.  And while I won't be getting paid, I will accept compensation in the form of praise and the floodgates of advice-seeking souls this is surely to open, so I guess the real winner here is you, dear reader, who gets the benefit of my excellent and unerring insights.  I offer this valuable advice humbly, and in the service of a perfectionism in pursuit of its proof of perfection.

Valuable Advice: Dealing with perfectionists.

If anyone ever says to you, "Oh, my problem is I'm such a perfectionist!" the very first thing you should do is punch that person in the face. Because, first off, that would really show them how "perfect" they are, with a black eye and everything. And, second, because anyone who thinks he or she is a perfectionist first has to think that he or she is capable of perfection, which is what we call Delusions of Grandeur. So if they're saying that to you, it's because they think you'll be impressed about them having such a tragically important problem, because you aren't a perfectionist. Which means they think you aren't capable of perfection. And that means they think they're better than you.  And not only better than you, but so much more smart and perfect that they can say things like that right to your face and you'll just say "Oh, no! Being a perfectionist is your strength!  Please don't change!" But you aren't going to say that. You're just going to punch them in the face. And then turn the other cheek, because you're the better man (or woman, depending on who's receiving this valuable advice right now).  That's what Jesus would do, too, by the way, so be sure to mention that after you turn the other cheek, for one last "in your face, Miss (or Mr.) Perfect!"

Valuable Advice: Dealing with an unpleasant or dictatorial governor
A lot of governors are abusing their power lately, so if yours is doing this, the first thing you should know is that you're not alone. There are many other people out there who also hate your governor's abuse of power, and they need to hear from you.  You could start by storming your Capitol. Bring signs that express your anger in a smart way, and be sure to spellcheck them before you print them out. If you're handwriting your sign, please have nice handwriting, because your sign already doesn't look as smart as some of the other ones.  Once the storming dies down, you should continue to visit your Capitol regularly, with your sign, and your friends, and also write letters, start blogs, and generally not stop talking about how much you hate your governor's abuse of power until that abuse of power ends.  Alternatively, you could move to a blue state.

Valuable Advice: Never trust a child.

Children are wonderful. They are smart and funny and sweet and full of hope and promise. I simply adore children. But they are not to be trusted.  This really should go without saying, but I've noticed a lot of people trusting children lately, which is a huge mistake.

Valuable Advice: The book was better than the movie.

There are only two or three cases in which this was not true, so just believe it.  If you want to like the movie, don't read the book first.  If you want to be a better person, read the book and skip the movie. And then tell everyone who talks about the movie about how you don't want to ruin your sublime reading experience by stooping to that level, but, hey, you're glad they liked it.

Valuable Advice: How to tell if you have a leftist cat. 

Unless you have a very expensive special-order or store bought cat of a breed that is typically described with the words "regal" or "elegant" or "pedigreed," you probably do have a leftist cat.  Cats are, by nature, leftists, and it takes generations of inbreeding and domestication to suppress these natural instincts and replace them with the sort of territorial, capitalistic arrogance typical of cats that have been brainwashed into conservatism.  Such cats, however, are rare, and you need not worry unnecessarily about this condition. Unless your cat gives you reason to doubt it, it's safe to assume your cat is indeed a leftist.  If you do not wish to have a leftist cat, please click the "x" in the upper right-hand corner and kindly refrain from reading my blog.

 

Note to readers seeking valuable advice:

Solicited advice on any topic is available, free of charge. Just email your question or the topic about which you'd like some advice to monologuesofdissent@gmail.com with "advice" or "advice, please" or "extraordinary advice, please" in your subject line. Be sure to say if you want your name withheld, or I will include it in my reply.

Mail Delivery System to me - Message Notification [from Scott Walker, Governor]

 The first and only response I have received from Scott Walker to date. I'm very happy to hear he plans to keep my specific comments in mind during his service as governor:

Subject: Mail Delivery System to me - Message Notification

Date: April 15, 2011 6:00 pm

Thank you for your e-mail message.  I welcome you expressing your views and concerns to me, and I commend you for participating in your state government.  I take into account the views of all of the citizens of Wisconsin, and I will keep your specific comments in mind during my service as your Governor.

If you would like more information about my positions on issues, or would like to read my public statements on issues, I encourage you to explore my website: www.walker.wi.gov.  I like to respond individually to every letter and telephone call I receive; however, I cannot respond to each e-mail individually due to the volume.  If your request is time sensitive, please call my office at (608) 266-1212. You may also write to me via conventional mail at Governor Scott Walker: PO Box 7863, Madison, WI 53707.

As noted on our website, please know that any communications may be subject to release under Wisconsin's public records law and that our policy is generally to release communications sent to this email address.

Once again, thank you for contacting me. Please feel free to contact me again if I can ever be of assistance to you.

Sincerely,

Scott Walker
Governor

 

If it matters (and it really doesn't), the autoreply came in response to this message I sent earlier today:

Subject: Fiscal emergency?

Date: 15 April 2011

Dear Sen. Darling, Sen. Fitzgerald and Scott Walker,

I have just read a disturbing report that there are "secret" plans afoot in Wisconsin to enact the same sort of legislation Rick Snyder is attempting to push through in Michigan by declaring a "fiscal emergency" and that you are the point person for these efforts.  Is there any truth to this rumor?  I would appreciate full disclosure and transparency as this is something about which I would like to voice my informed opinion.


Thank you,

Heather DuBois Bourenane

Warning: Wisconsin taxpayers are smarter than a brainwashed third grader

Dear Scott Walker,

I'm really enjoying watching your live humiliation in Washington as you attempt to brag about your attempts to destroy the Wisconsin education system and middle class so that Wisconsin is "open for business" to you and your out-of-state funders.  I'm not a drinker, but I see how people could make a pretty fun game out of your empty use of the phrases "tools" and "open for business."  Once you get in front of an educated crowd, it's not as easy to get away with sounding like a broken record, is it? You sure do know how to put the tool in in "tools." Must be terribly embarrassing for you - your internal and external squirming is palpable; very awkward. You should come to MATC sometime and take the class you apparently missed in your short stint at college on Oral and Interpersonal Communications - I could give you some great tips for that. But I'm sure by now your staff has assured you that you were brilliant and you're all geared up to make another public appearance spewing the same ridiculous lies and misinformation very soon...so I'm not going to waste any time feeling sorry for you, sorry as you are.

Anyway, your trip to Washington, your trip to Florida, your many trips outside of the state are really getting on my nerves. Why are you out on a fundraising and misinformation campaign instead of addressing the mess you made at home? You hypocritically raise money to fight recalls of Republican Senators even as you talk about how the "only" people against your bill are "out of state" protesters, union leaders and idiots....but don't fool yourself into thinking anyone's buying it. You're just like George W. Bush, declaring "Mission Accomplished" and accepting congratulatory hand-outs and pats on the back when all you've done is make a giant failure of a mess that you have no desire or intention to do anything about cleaning up.

But don't you feel even a tiny bit bad about going around the country insulting the people of your state?  Seriously! I am so fed up with you dismissing us as "out of state protesters" or "union bosses" and contrasting us with "the taxpayers" - it's so insulting that it makes communication practically impossible.  I think Ted Rulseh is right - you are intentionally trying to polarize our state to distract people from what you're really doing to our economy, education system, and basic rights.  It's disgusting.  Public vs private workers. Republicans vs Democrats. Union vs union. Taxpayer vs. taxpayer. All so that the haves can stomp on the have-nots without their noticing so much.

And nothing makes this intentionally divisive behavior more crystal clear to me than the letter you recently posted on your facebook page that you allegedly received from an almost-9-year-old child:
Here's that letter the way you published it:

Dear Governor Scott Walker,
My name is XXXXX XXXX and I am almost 9 years old. My parents were talking about what is going on in Madison and I asked a few questions about the government. If I’m 9 years old and I can understand what you’re trying to do with the bill, maybe you should try spreading your story the way I would understand it.   Here’s what I understand about the bill: The money that goes into teachers’ retirement and health care funds comes out of tax-payer’s pockets. We’ve promised something that is unsustainable (unsustainable means can’t go on forever). It’s either change the way benefits are paid for, or some teachers and public workers lose their jobs. The other big part of the bill is about workers’ “rights”—the rules that the employers have to follow so they don’t hurt the workers. Your Bill makes it so that workers can join the union if they want to, if not they can talk to their boss to work out rules.   What the workers don’t understand is that they think they have no rights. But they still will have rights just like every American. They think you believe that they don’t do a good job so they get paid less. But that is not true. We don’t have enough money to pay them as much. Like if something did not buy one of my dad’s trees because they can’t afford it, that doesn’t mean they don’t like trees. The workers think you don’t care about education. But that is not true. I believe in you. I always wish I could shout: “GO SCOTT WALKER!!!” But I don’t because teachers might be mad at me.   Hope my suggestions help!!   XXXXX X. XXXX

Now, I won't get into whether or not the letter really came from a kid, though as a parent and writing teacher, it's pretty obvious to me that if a child wrote that letter, it was with at least a little "guidance." But what's really offensive here is in the content of the letter (oversimplification and lies), and your nerve in insinuating, by praising this letter, that not only is anyone who is opposed to you stupider than a child, but that anyone who is opposed to you has no valid reason for dissent. Even more offensive is the closing line of the letter, which takes a shameless stab at teachers as if they are stupider than their students and refuse to see the "truth" about your bill.  The sophomoric illogic with which this alleged child "reasons" your budget is insulting and demeaning to anyone who has read the budget bill, and also to your supporters, who deserve an honest picture of what that bill actually contains. Ironically, this almost insults your own supporters as much or more than those who oppose you - do you really think they're so stupid that you can just tell them "See! A child thinks my bill is great! It must be great!"  Why don't you let your supporters read the letter my friend's 6-year-old son wrote to you? It was much smarter, more succinct, and very much opposed to your policies. Better yet, why don't you stop playing PR games and start reading the letters you're actually receiving from concerned and enraged taxpayers? Why don't you publish some of these letters - the ones with facts, footnotes and evidence?  An "almost-nine-year-old" kid warrants a spot on your facebook page but you can't even have one of your staff send a note to the thousands of people writing you every day acknowledging receipt of (forget about showing respect for!) their time-consuming and valid concerns about your shameful and ignorant behavior as governor of this state?! Disgusting.



The fact that you show a child who agrees with you the respect that you refuse to show the hard-working, dedicated taxpayers and other citizens of this state speaks volumes of your arrogance and total disregard for the people of Wisconsin.  For over 100 days now, hundreds of thousands of educators, nurses, librarians, police officers, fire fighters, sanitation and transportation workers, and concerned citizens from all classes, spheres and political perspectives have been - quite literally - shouting out all the many, many valid reasons for objecting to your agenda, and the many, many ways that your agenda will hurt our state. And you insult us, ignore us, and disregard us at every opportunity.  And now you add insult to injury by telling us that not only do you not care about what we have to say, but you assume that what we have to say is so irrelevant, so petty, so terribly uniformed, that an "almost-9-year-old" is more deserving of your time, respect and attention.

Your "base" may enjoy the petty you're-not-smarter-than-a-third-grader jab you offered them on your facebook page, but I have news for you. I'm way smarter than a third grader. Read my letters. Read the letters of informed and concerned adults with serious concerns and valid complaints and stop trivializing our dissent.

Resign.

Heather DuBois Bourenane
Almost-39-year-old Wisconsin taxpayer who has read, understood and objects to the entire budget bill

Why Disney Princesses and Ballerina Dora Are Not Invited to Our Play Dates

An open letter to parents of girls, and the people who buy them things:

Since I can't escape my midwestern upbringing, I'll open with an apology: I'm sorry I hate Disney Princesses and fancy-pants Dora so much. I feel really bad about that, almost guilty, I really do.  I think they're fun and sweet and I love magic and make-believe as much as the next mom. I do.  I like ballet. So I'm sorry if what I'm about to say hurts your feelings, or makes you feel like a bad parent, or gives the impression that I think I'm a better one than you are. Because most definitely I am not.  I'm not writing this to be judgy. But I am sick and tired of having to justify and apologize for my refusal to allow these things into our home, and I think it's time we have a more frank and honest conversation about them if we're ever going to move past this debate. And I think it's time for us to work together and stand up against the marketing machine that makes all of us - parents, daughters and sons - complicit in the princessification of femininity.

So why am I writing this now? It's 2011. Most modern moms I talk to seem to be of the general sentiment that the feminist movement has come, and gone, and is now an offiicially historic marker in the rear-view mirror of childrearing. Our girls, we tell ourselves, can now Be Whatever They Want To Be. They can be anything!  Or, better yet, they can be everything! Doctor, dramatist, darling. Educator, explorer, entrepreneur. Baker, builder, beauty queen. Pirate, plumber, prostitute, parent, princess. The list is infinite. Let them dream. Give them wings (preferably fairy). They are free to become whatever they want!

Whatever they want. Ok.  What do they want, then? And how did they come to want it?  My own four-year-old daughter wants, I learned today, Ballerina Dora merchandise.  Having recently decided (after an in-house "field trip" at her school provided a week of ballet introduction) that she's going to be a ballet teacher when she grows up, she's been talking a lot about ballerinas and doing a lot of adorable twirling and leaping around here lately.  It's super cute. And I haven't discouraged it.  But she's not signed up for dance class (yet) and she doesn't own ballet slippers (although she does have a very sparkly pair of shoes her grandma bought her that make a convenient substitute).  And now she wants Dora, beloved Dora!, to dance into our lives and be a ballerina with her.

Dora used to be The Explorer. She wore a cutely uncoordinated t-shirt-and-shorts outfit and had a boyish bob suitable for climbing trees and searching for clues. She was curious, intelligent, eager. She shouted at us in Spanish (and look what we learned! Ayúdame! Help me! Abre! Open!). Then, in a pointless and unfathomable episode, she became...a princess.  Her hair grew longer.   She got much skinnier. She was begowned and bejeweled and sparkled for all to adore.  She took up ballet. And little girls, most tragically my own, fell even more in love with her.  Sweet, sensible, eager Dora has transformed from caterpillar to butterfly. Butterfly! She is beautiful, she is free, she can fly.

So...what's wrong with that? Beauty. Freedom. Flight. Sounds like everything we say we want to instill in our daughters: Confidence. Opportunity. Capability.  What's wrong with that?  What's so wrong with wanting to be a princess?

Everything.  It's a trap.

The "confidence" that comes with security in her "beauty" is an illusion. Aspiring to be beautiful - or, as is probably more accurately the case for our own young girls - being confident in their beauty (because we constantly tell them how beautiful they are, don't we?) - is the first step to being a princess, or a butterfly.  And the confidence is pretty wonderful, isn't it? Who's the fairest of them all? "I am!" our girls declare, and we can't stop smiling.  But deep down, I think we know that over-fostering this prepubescent confidence could backfire: when they enter locker rooms, without us, and stand in a long line of girls before the mirror, the entire universe of girliness will team up against us, just looking for reasons to undermine that confidence, and they could come out of it, angry, thinking, "You lied to me! I am not beautiful!"

And I'm willing to skip over the more tired and superficial aspects of the issue of beauty-as-everything, which I think we all pretty much have moved beyond - the part about how the beautiful princess needs rescuing by the handsome prince and how living happily ever after means never aging, or doing much of anything.  I think the moms I know are pretty much universally over this crap. They don't want to see the damsels in distress - they want Princess Fiona to come out, kicking ass and embracing her ogrish heart of hearts.  They prefer DreamWorks to classic Disney. It's more modern. Cooler. Realistic.  They tell their daughters that they don't have to give up their voices like Ariel did, that they don't have to just be a maid like Snow White or Cinderella. We tell them that whether or not their prince will come someday, they can still be happy. We tell them beauty comes from the inside, and that includes the brain. But we stop short of telling them not to be beautiful in the conventional sense. We stop short at not buying the hooped skirt, the long gloves, the tiara. The beauty is an illusion, we admit, but it's a fun illusion. A magical illusion. And who are we to deny our girls magic?  What kind of mother doesn't want her daughter to have fun? 

So...the beauty is not really beauty, and doesn't translate to confidence, but we go along with it anyway. Who am I to blow against the wind? Our society has superficial values, but we just have to make the most of it, and put the emphasis on making sure our daughters make the right choices. That they make the right decisions to be strong, empowered girls.

But can we even do that?  This is perhaps the most dangerous part, because I think many parents really fall for this brilliant marketing campaign: the idea that strong, confident girls have the freedom to choose what they want to be. But the brute fact is that this "freedom" is at best illusory and at worst a total scam: the "choice" to want to be a princess or not is not one of many viable options.  It's the default option: princess, rainbow, butterfly, unicorn. Go to Target, the exclusive vendor for the new Ballet Dora series. Walk down the "girl" aisle. And let me know what kind of "choices" you find.  Count how many items in the "girl" section could just as easily be moved to a gender-neutral area. Practically none. They make pink "girl Legos" now. Even books are gendered! 

The flip side of this, of course, is how we train our boys to fear and abhor femininity, but that's a topic worthy of its own discussion. I also have a 6-year-old son. And the "boy" aisle is just as bad - if not worse.  Every toy is a fighting toy. We have two major rules in the toy department at our house: no  Barbie/Disney Princess (and preferably no Disney at all, if we can help it) and no weapons as toys. And the no weapons rule was so much harder to enforce that I had to soften my stance on it when I realized no weapons meant no Legos. But I digress. Where were we...yes. Beauty. Freedom. And Flight.

So the beauty is illusory. The freedom is illusory. And the flight...the spreading of wings and being whatever she wants to be!...is a cruel, insensitive trap.  Why are we trying to dupe our girls into believing in a myth of gender equity and equal opportunity when we know damned well that women do not receive equal pay for equal work in this country? Women do not have equal opportunities to succeed in business or economics. Women do, when it comes down to it, still carry the burden of most domestic work and child-rearing, whether they "choose" to or not. And the glass ceiling, through which we now occasionally get the momentary, misleading and voyeuristic opportunity to peek up a woman's skirt, is still as solid as Disney on Ice.  So tell me: why are we telling our girls they can fly (if they really want to! if they just believe in magic!) instead of giving them the tools they're really going to need to build the wings? When Daedalus taught his son, Icarus, to fly, he gave him a very clear warning:  Fly too close to the sun, he said, and you'll come crashing down.  And here we are, crooning "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine" as our girls strap on the most adorable wings money can buy - made in China of the cheapest possible materials. Whose fault will it be when they come crashing down? Icarus was to blame for not heeding his father's advice. Our girls can rightfully blame us for convincing them they were immortal.  

Many of you are probably thinking I'm exaggerating, that our smart girls know the difference between fantasy and reality and can be princesses today and stock brokers tomorrow without blaming us - or Barbie, or Ballet Princess Dora or whatever. And you're right: all of our girls will grow up and make the adjustments they need to deal with social disparities and body-image issues, and gender roles, etc. They don't have a choice in dealing with all that. But I think it's high time, as parents, that we get honest about the role we really play in all this. Are we really deluding ourselves into setting up our daughters to fail? Are we really so easily manipulated by advertising that we can trick ourselves into doing this?  And how do we stop?

Look at what they continue to give us!  Look at what they've done to Dora!  She comes with a comb now.  She's almost unrecognizably dolled up. And her beauty, if we're going to call it that, has come at a very high cost: she traded in her curiosity for a tiara and some glitter. The most interesting thing about her - that she's The Explorer - has been "upgraded" to princess/ballerina. Not an even exchange, if you ask me. 

One of my sisters asked me why it bothers me so much that Dora "wants to be a ballerina" and I said it should bug all of us, that Dora suddenly would rather be a ballerina than a scientist. What message does this send? Girls can be anything...until they reach a certain age. Then cut out the smarty stuff and buy some eye shadow. But when you put it to the test, Dora isn't "choosing" to be a ballerina. She just comes in the box that way now, already wearing the tutu. We are the ones choosing to give our girls this new "choice."  Ballerina or princess? You pick!

Disney and Nickelodeon and Mattel and all the others continue to present us with these "choices" because we continue to buy it.  And they'll keep producing it as long as we keep paying for it. We are, in actual fact, the guilty party here: we are forcing them to keep producing this drivel through a mindless and self-justifying consumerism.  They're just toys. It's fun. I make up for it by buying tool belts and "boy" Legos. My daughter will grow up strong and confident and beautiful. She can be whatever she wants to be.

Parenting is hard work. Trying to raise kids who have values beyond materialism is a daunting task in a consumer culture.  But as far as I can tell, we have the ultimate authority here because we hold the purse-strings. We can control the market by taking a stronger collective stance on what kind of products we're willing to buy for our children. We need to stand together as parents and (1) speak up to say we don't WANT this kind of merchandise and (2) put our money where our mouths are by not buying it.  I think we can do it. If we do it together. Are you in?  

You can start here, by signing this petition and sharing it with your friends: Tell Toy Companies Our Girls Need More Choices than "Princess". Talk to your kids. Talk to your friends. Take action - with your dollars and your voice.

Dora Ballerina, by Fisher Price/Mattel. Available exclusively at Target!

Don't forget Ariel, who gave up her voice for her man...

Face the press: I dare you

11 April 2011

Dear Scott Walker,

How dare you suggest that an independent investigation or recount of the Supreme Court election would amount to fraud or the "big government union bosses" "stealing" the election?  How dare you imply that something as superficial as $1000 a year in union dues is behind the revolution against your unprecedented partisan power grab? Will you ever, in your reign as governor, come out on the side of upholding democracy and/or the law?

I am so disgustingly tired of being insulted by you. I pay taxes. I contribute to society. I have children in public schools. I am a union member who would chose to pay dues whether it was required or not, because that union is the only thing left to protect me from people like you who would hope that I join the ranks of the uninsured, with no hope for a pension, no dream of retirement, no pride or sense of value in my career.

Meanwhile, you continue to try to spin the citizen outrage over your attempts to sell Wisconsin to outside interests and defund public schools and essential programs as simply a matter of corrupt "union bosses" not liking the idea of mandatory union dues.   Unfortunately for you, we are not stupid. And you look like a total jackass repeating this nonsense in the face of a mountain of evidence revealing the corruption, lack of transparency and will to power behind your party's ever shady move.

Stop running away from your constituents and going around the country - on my dime! - spreading lies and demonizing me and my family to convenient audiences and phony "news" outlets like FOX and Newsmax. Face the real press. Face the people. Face me.  I dare you.

And if you won't, resign.

Heather DuBois Bourenane
Very, very angry Wisconsin citizen

Melissa Luther: "Anyone who rises to fame this fast, is destined to fall even faster."

Wisconsinite Melissa Luther sends the email below to Scott Walker every single day. She knows his office receives the messages because she has her email set up to deliver a notice when the message is read...so at least we know now that someone is checking the mail.  I'd be shocked if Scott Walker read any of these...but we sure appreciate them!  Thanks for sharing, Melissa - this is an excellent and powerful letter!

Have you told the governor what you think of him today? govgeneral@wisconsin.gov

____________________________

 

Daily email from Melissa Luther to Scott Walker:

"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves." - Abraham Lincoln

You have lost sight of the goal. The goal of America is and always has been for EVERY person to succeed. Not just the richest 2%. You have joined a movement of corruption and illegal activity. You are a traitor and the presidents of our past would be disgusted with your over reach of power and greed. Shame shame shame on you for putting money before people!

"Those who sacrifice LIBERTY for security deserve neither."- Benjamin Franklin

And here's one more for good measure.

"Guard against the impostors of pretended patriotism." - George Washington

The people of WI do this better than anywhere. We are watching your every move. And you're never going to win. "Anyone who rises to fame this fast, is destined to fall even faster." Don't be another one hit wonder. Here's my challenge for you. Do the right thing. Or continue committing political suicide and being the most hated man in the state. Your choice. Too bad I know what you'll choose.

We would be just as foolish as you are to think that we have a reason to believe you'll ever do the right thing. Scott Walker admit he's wrong?! Psh! Yeah, when pigs fly.

Fools' Day. For some of us, it's a once-a-year thing.

1 April 2011

"Dear" Scott Walker,

Happy April Fools' Day! I hope you had the opportunity to demonstrate your staggering stupidity on numerous public occasions today and that everyone had a good laugh at your expense, both in front of your face and again behind your back, later. This day must be kind of a relief for you, since it gives you that once-a-year excuse of "oh, I was just playing along the whole time..."

As if in honor of your foolishness, the universe really seems to have pulled its act together today!  This is what you might call "providence" and what I like to call "poetic justice," which are really the same the thing. My favorite gags of the day:

• Sarah Palin endorsed David Prosser. Ha! How perfect is that?!
• Snowstorm during our spring break! That rat is such a liar. Just goes to show there's no such thing as global warming, eh? Take that, Al Gore!
• A Republican Montana lawmaker defended drunk driving and argued that DUI laws "are destroying a way of life" and threaten the "community" small business owners create by building a sense of drunken camaraderie. Oh, wait. That one really happened this week.
• I got the kids all excited to see a nonexistent deer in our suburban back yard then broke their little hearts and got to hear them giggle for a long time.
• South Dakota announced a tourism plan to rename the Black Hills "Kevin Costner's Tatankaville USA" and return the land at last to the Lakota Sioux in the form of permanent rights to "adopt a highway" privileges along the newly renamed Kevin Costner's Needles highway.
• Eff Scott Fitzgerald sent out a fundraising plea in which he jokingly admitted that the union-busting measures of the budget bill were all about defunding Obama in 2012 and have nothing to do with the economic good of Wisconsin or a "budget crisis."   Oh, yeah. That also really happened.
• Michigan governor Richie Rick Snyder announced his switch from Republican to Independent.
• The Republican party released a hilarious satirical press release punking their moronic base into thinking they were "against" organic produce and mocking the legal system intend to provide checks and balances in government.  Hm. Also true.
•  You resigned. Finally! This means you ARE reading my letters!  Thank you!!

Have a good evening,*

Heather DuBois Bourenane

* Gotcha! That last part was my own April Fools' joke. You didn't really think I hoped you'd have a good evening, did you?! I hope your evening is the worst one ever for you, in which you are forced to reflect on the fact that your side does foolish things every single day, and become painfully aware of how truly hated you are, and how thoroughly evil your plan for this state is in the eyes of god and man, and realize your only viable option is resignation, followed by fleeing the state.

The morning after: Yep, I'm still better than you.

31 March 2011

Dear Scott Walker,

I'll admit that the letter I wrote last night was pretty glib. I actually went to bed pretty sure I'd wake up regretting I took that perspective, because it might make me look bad (and by bad, I mean arrogant, not wrong). I wrote it in the wee hours of the night, after working a really long day and getting pretty riled up thinking about two things: (1) the juvenile and asinine attempt at a sarcastic "press release" by the GOP yesterday attacking Judge Sumi for her "leftist lifestyle" because she insists upon upholding the law and (2) how entirely true the brilliant column, "Americans Got What They Deserved" by Ray Buursma was in the Holland Sentinel of all places on the 23rd. 

So when I woke up this morning, I reread that thing, and realized, to my delight, that I don't feel bad about saying any of that. In fact, I feel great about saying all of it, especially the part about how humble I am compared to you!  You are the kind of person who is incompetent, willfully ignorant, manipulative, self-righteous, power-hungry, greedy and vain, and I am not, and there is absolutely no reason on earth that I should not spend a little bit of my time trying to explain that to you. It's just facts! And there's nothing wrong with sharing facts, even though, as Stephen Colbert says, you might not like that "reality has a well-known liberal bias."

So I just wanted to let you know that I'm really excited to continue thinking of ways that I can help you understand how inferior you are, and not just to me - I should make that clear. This isn't really about "us."  It's about how you're actually inferior to anyone who is capable of true empathy.  I say "true" empathy because I know you consider yourself to be a religious person, and probably think you come to the table with empathy in spades.  But you're wrong on both counts.  Because your hypocrisy negates your conviction in your own moral superiority and your arrogance negates your phony desire to "help people help themselves" by giving them "tools" which actually, and very transparently, are only tools which help you, and harm the people now forced to dig their own graves with very expensive shovels.

So, here's looking forward to thinking up more ways to describe your many existing and future shortcomings, character flaws, stupidities, and sins.  I think it's a really productive exercise for both of us -  and I'm confident that this sort of self-reflection is a tool you'll find really useful.

Until you resign,

Heather DuBois Bourenane
Decent, hard-working, responsible Wisconsin citizen