How to Survive the Holidays Without Money Using Scott Walker's "Tools"

19 December 2011

Dear friends of justice and dissent,

As you know, I am an expert in surviving without money using Scott Walker's "tools," by which I mean I have survived so far and continue to live (without money) happily and functionally as he (allegedly) continues to "govern" this state.

However, with the holidays just around the corner, I thought perhaps we could use some new and more pointed tips on how to best survive the holidays under the Grinchish rule of Scott Kevin Walker.  Follow these tips, and I'm sure you'll get through the holidays just fine.

Whose house? "Our house."

1. Tell your kids that Santa won't be coming this year because the elves couldn't produce enough gifts for everyone after layoffs, and having their wages and hours reduced, but maybe next year if the outsourcing plans go well, they'll get some nice gifts from South Pole Santa.
2. Can't afford to travel home for the holidays? Send your greetings by mail, like this Wisconsin family (pictured) did.
3. Feeling bad about not being able to contribute to the local economy?  Let local businesses know you support them by collecting signatures to recall Walker on the public sidewalk in front of their stores.
4. Can't handle the insufferable politicking at your company Christmas party? Luckily for you, you don't have to lie this year to get out of it: just tell your boss you can't make it...because you'll be at your other job.
5. Can't buy the kids those pricey toys at the top of their wish-lists?  So sorry to hear that. Having no money can't solve that one. But good luck with that talk about "the true meaning of Christmas being giving" etc.  Should go over really well.  Maybe a tour of the Capitol Nativity scene would help (don't forget to wear your RECALL WALKER gear, to be extra festive. And don't bring the whole family, unless you have four or fewer people in your family, because you're going to need a permit for that. So if you have a big family, you might want to split up in groups of 3 and pretend you don't know each other if the Capitol Police start eying you. Although spending Christmas in jail might be an easy out in the no-presents-under-the-tree department).
6. Can't afford expensive tickets to The Nutcracker? Do something free, like tour the Holiday Fantasy in Lights display at Olin-Turville Park in Madison. Bonus: You can sign the recall petition on the way out if you haven't already!
7. Can't throw the annual holiday party you're so famous for on your new budget? Have a virtual party instead! Or join mine: RECALL WALKER HOLIDAY PHOTO CONTEST. Cost to enter: $0. Cost to vote: $0. Seeing all the creative ways Wisconsinites are channeling their holiday spirit into recall action: priceless.



Photo: Vin Vado

8. Homemade goodies mean so much more than store-bought crap anyway: who wouldn't appreciate some  of these delicious cookies (at right)?
9. Draw names so you only have to buy a gift for one person. I suggest a $30 limit, so you can get an autographed copy of Cut from Plain Cloth: The 2011 Wisconsin Workers' Protests.  Gender-neutral, collector's item...who wouldn't love it? (Note: that is not a rhetorical "who wouldn't love it?" It is direct request. This is at the top of my wish list.  If you all chip in...).
10. Need a free and fast last-minute gift idea? Nothing could be more tasteful and practical than a set of his and her petitions to recall Walker and Kleefisch, hand-rolled and wrapped in an elegant ribbon. The gift that keeps on giving.

See? With a little thrifty thinking, your holidays can still be as holly and jolly as ever.  And just think how happy your New Year is going to be once Walker is recalled!

Happy Holidays!

Heather

Can't fool Santa

Grinches never win.

How to Survive Without Money Using Scott Walker's "Tools"

25 July 2011

Dear friends of dissent,

cc: Scott Walker

If you've been paying attention, you've probably noticed Wisconsin governor Scott Walker often mentions the "tools" he's given us to "tighten our belts" and wondered what this meant, on account of he hasn't actually done anything that benefits anyone in this state except the very richest.  Turns out, interestingly, that these "tools" are "helpful cuts to your pay and benefits" and the "tighten your belt" part really does mean "get skinnier," because you're starving now. Good thing for us, though, a little starving never hurt anyone, unless you get to the part where you "starve to death," which you should try to avoid at all costs. So here are some handy tips on how to get the most out of the tools Scott Walker was generous enough to provide you, but without actually dying:


Buying food

1. Pack a brown bag, plebe! Who do you think you are, eating in restaurants? Paul Ryan? Know your place.
2. Save money on food by not getting hungry.
3. If you must eat (since you leftists think you're entitled to everything!), save money by only eating food that is offered to you free of charge at parties, potlucks, and homeless shelters.
4. Consider going on a grocery strike (since you leftists love striking so much!) and just don't buy a single item of food until your cupboards are completely bare (or did you also think you were "entitled" to a stocked pantry?)
5.  Clean out your fridge and pantry to surprise yourself with things you forgot you had and make a feast. What? After throwing out all the things that expired on or before 2005 you're left with only a box of baking soda, vinegar and some almost-stale tortillas? Wasteful ingrates like you don't deserve to eat.  Make a volcano burrito. It might be good.
6. Raid the neighbor's vegetable garden in the dark of night (since you leftists love organic produce so much). The next day, be sure to go on and on about "all those damned raccoons" you've been seeing in her yard.
7. Swallow your pride. It's more filling than you'd think. 

Buying other stuff

1. Only buy anything if it's on clearance AND you have a coupon. Start referring to your coupon folder as your "tool box."  
2. Reduce! Measure shampoo into a thimble before washing your hair. Limit showers to 2 minutes or less. Only flush the toilet when company is coming over.
3. Reuse!  Use old bills you can't pay as scratch paper for writing lists of all the things your kids aren't going to be able to do this summer because you're so broke.
4. Recycle! Sew last year's too-small winter coats together to make trendy ponchos for the kids to wear this year!
5. Who needs new clothes when you already have so much right here? Kids growing too fast? Just tell them capris and half-shirts are back in style. Shoes have too many holes in them? There's a name for that - sandals! Wardrobe needs a facelift? Give everything a whole new look by embroidering "Recall Walker" on it.
6. Redefine "essentials." Do you really "need" things like deodorant, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
7.  Take "window shopping" to the next level by just leaving your full cart of stuff at the store. Pretend you bought it, but later, when you go to wash the dishes and there's still no detergent, say "Boy, that went fast!" (repeat)
8. Buy a really fancy copier and just make your own money. The fancy copier just paid for itself! And now you're rich! You can buy anything! [Note: If it doesn't work out, this tip has the bonus advantage of providing potential free room and board in the form of jail time!]

Paying Bills
Unfortunately, even if you follow all of the advice above, your tools don't work on bills, which continue to go up, even though your pay has gone way down.  Luckily, though, there are a couple of options for you:

1. Cancel everything and move into a cardboard box. Problem solved!
2. Move to a state with more jobs and fewer tools.
3. Recall Walker, or persuade him to resign, and elect politicians who are invested in Wisconsin families rather than their corporate funders.

I hope you find this invaluable advice useful and wish you the best surviving Scott Walker.  Let me know how it goes.

Yours in poverty and dissent,

Heather DuBois Bourenane