How to Survive Without Money Using Scott Walker's "Tools"

25 July 2011

Dear friends of dissent,

cc: Scott Walker

If you've been paying attention, you've probably noticed Wisconsin governor Scott Walker often mentions the "tools" he's given us to "tighten our belts" and wondered what this meant, on account of he hasn't actually done anything that benefits anyone in this state except the very richest.  Turns out, interestingly, that these "tools" are "helpful cuts to your pay and benefits" and the "tighten your belt" part really does mean "get skinnier," because you're starving now. Good thing for us, though, a little starving never hurt anyone, unless you get to the part where you "starve to death," which you should try to avoid at all costs. So here are some handy tips on how to get the most out of the tools Scott Walker was generous enough to provide you, but without actually dying:


Buying food

1. Pack a brown bag, plebe! Who do you think you are, eating in restaurants? Paul Ryan? Know your place.
2. Save money on food by not getting hungry.
3. If you must eat (since you leftists think you're entitled to everything!), save money by only eating food that is offered to you free of charge at parties, potlucks, and homeless shelters.
4. Consider going on a grocery strike (since you leftists love striking so much!) and just don't buy a single item of food until your cupboards are completely bare (or did you also think you were "entitled" to a stocked pantry?)
5.  Clean out your fridge and pantry to surprise yourself with things you forgot you had and make a feast. What? After throwing out all the things that expired on or before 2005 you're left with only a box of baking soda, vinegar and some almost-stale tortillas? Wasteful ingrates like you don't deserve to eat.  Make a volcano burrito. It might be good.
6. Raid the neighbor's vegetable garden in the dark of night (since you leftists love organic produce so much). The next day, be sure to go on and on about "all those damned raccoons" you've been seeing in her yard.
7. Swallow your pride. It's more filling than you'd think. 

Buying other stuff

1. Only buy anything if it's on clearance AND you have a coupon. Start referring to your coupon folder as your "tool box."  
2. Reduce! Measure shampoo into a thimble before washing your hair. Limit showers to 2 minutes or less. Only flush the toilet when company is coming over.
3. Reuse!  Use old bills you can't pay as scratch paper for writing lists of all the things your kids aren't going to be able to do this summer because you're so broke.
4. Recycle! Sew last year's too-small winter coats together to make trendy ponchos for the kids to wear this year!
5. Who needs new clothes when you already have so much right here? Kids growing too fast? Just tell them capris and half-shirts are back in style. Shoes have too many holes in them? There's a name for that - sandals! Wardrobe needs a facelift? Give everything a whole new look by embroidering "Recall Walker" on it.
6. Redefine "essentials." Do you really "need" things like deodorant, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?
7.  Take "window shopping" to the next level by just leaving your full cart of stuff at the store. Pretend you bought it, but later, when you go to wash the dishes and there's still no detergent, say "Boy, that went fast!" (repeat)
8. Buy a really fancy copier and just make your own money. The fancy copier just paid for itself! And now you're rich! You can buy anything! [Note: If it doesn't work out, this tip has the bonus advantage of providing potential free room and board in the form of jail time!]

Paying Bills
Unfortunately, even if you follow all of the advice above, your tools don't work on bills, which continue to go up, even though your pay has gone way down.  Luckily, though, there are a couple of options for you:

1. Cancel everything and move into a cardboard box. Problem solved!
2. Move to a state with more jobs and fewer tools.
3. Recall Walker, or persuade him to resign, and elect politicians who are invested in Wisconsin families rather than their corporate funders.

I hope you find this invaluable advice useful and wish you the best surviving Scott Walker.  Let me know how it goes.

Yours in poverty and dissent,

Heather DuBois Bourenane