How to Survive the Holidays Without Money Using Scott Walker's "Tools"

19 December 2011

Dear friends of justice and dissent,

As you know, I am an expert in surviving without money using Scott Walker's "tools," by which I mean I have survived so far and continue to live (without money) happily and functionally as he (allegedly) continues to "govern" this state.

However, with the holidays just around the corner, I thought perhaps we could use some new and more pointed tips on how to best survive the holidays under the Grinchish rule of Scott Kevin Walker.  Follow these tips, and I'm sure you'll get through the holidays just fine.

Whose house? "Our house."

1. Tell your kids that Santa won't be coming this year because the elves couldn't produce enough gifts for everyone after layoffs, and having their wages and hours reduced, but maybe next year if the outsourcing plans go well, they'll get some nice gifts from South Pole Santa.
2. Can't afford to travel home for the holidays? Send your greetings by mail, like this Wisconsin family (pictured) did.
3. Feeling bad about not being able to contribute to the local economy?  Let local businesses know you support them by collecting signatures to recall Walker on the public sidewalk in front of their stores.
4. Can't handle the insufferable politicking at your company Christmas party? Luckily for you, you don't have to lie this year to get out of it: just tell your boss you can't make it...because you'll be at your other job.
5. Can't buy the kids those pricey toys at the top of their wish-lists?  So sorry to hear that. Having no money can't solve that one. But good luck with that talk about "the true meaning of Christmas being giving" etc.  Should go over really well.  Maybe a tour of the Capitol Nativity scene would help (don't forget to wear your RECALL WALKER gear, to be extra festive. And don't bring the whole family, unless you have four or fewer people in your family, because you're going to need a permit for that. So if you have a big family, you might want to split up in groups of 3 and pretend you don't know each other if the Capitol Police start eying you. Although spending Christmas in jail might be an easy out in the no-presents-under-the-tree department).
6. Can't afford expensive tickets to The Nutcracker? Do something free, like tour the Holiday Fantasy in Lights display at Olin-Turville Park in Madison. Bonus: You can sign the recall petition on the way out if you haven't already!
7. Can't throw the annual holiday party you're so famous for on your new budget? Have a virtual party instead! Or join mine: RECALL WALKER HOLIDAY PHOTO CONTEST. Cost to enter: $0. Cost to vote: $0. Seeing all the creative ways Wisconsinites are channeling their holiday spirit into recall action: priceless.



Photo: Vin Vado

8. Homemade goodies mean so much more than store-bought crap anyway: who wouldn't appreciate some  of these delicious cookies (at right)?
9. Draw names so you only have to buy a gift for one person. I suggest a $30 limit, so you can get an autographed copy of Cut from Plain Cloth: The 2011 Wisconsin Workers' Protests.  Gender-neutral, collector's item...who wouldn't love it? (Note: that is not a rhetorical "who wouldn't love it?" It is direct request. This is at the top of my wish list.  If you all chip in...).
10. Need a free and fast last-minute gift idea? Nothing could be more tasteful and practical than a set of his and her petitions to recall Walker and Kleefisch, hand-rolled and wrapped in an elegant ribbon. The gift that keeps on giving.

See? With a little thrifty thinking, your holidays can still be as holly and jolly as ever.  And just think how happy your New Year is going to be once Walker is recalled!

Happy Holidays!

Heather

Can't fool Santa

Grinches never win.