Scott Walker Supports Recall Effort By Serving as His Own Attack Ad

21 October 2011
Dear Scott Walker,

I haven't written you for a few weeks. And I imagine you're thinking, "Oh, I haven't heard from that nice Heather in a while, which makes it difficult for me to know exactly where I'm going wrong. She must be over me now that she's a big tv star and everything." And it's true, I've been super busy ever since that whole Brian Williams / Ed Schultz business, but my moments of fame were conveniently limited to 15, freeing me up to get other things done and engage in the effort to recall you, which is surprisingly time-consuming. But since it's been a while, I'll just give a greatest hits recap of what I've been up to since I last wrote:
  • Helping to organize and preparing to begin Operation Recall on Nov. 15
  • Conquering corn mazes, throwing birthday parties, hosting slumber parties, watching Rapunzel movies, running errands, volunteering and other things associated with being a busy parent and contributing member of society.
  • Putting on a teacher workshop (on Antigone, if you can believe it. I thought of you all day long. I'm sure you have no idea what Antigone is, but there's a character in it I think you could really relate to. You should put it on your "reading" list. I put "reading" in quotes to indicate that I know you don't read, and unfortunately there's not really a major movie of Antigone that I know of, but you could maybe google it for a synopsis. Synopsis means summary.)
  • Pondering whether or not it's actually true, or even possible, that someone as seemingly morally bankrupt and duplicitous as you could have actually received the rank of Eagle Scout. Since you haven't done anything in your adult life to demonstrate your alleged "integrity," you repeatedly hearken back to your Eagle Scout days. All I'm asking is that you produce some proof of that claim. Where's the badge? Why have we never seen a photo of you in the uniform? What was your project? The badgers want to know.
  • Planning and promoting a community Voter ID info session with the City Clerk so that the many seniors and others in our town who will be adversely affected by the absurdly wasteful voter id law will be able to exercise their legal right to vote.  Since many of these voters are unable to drive, we're still in need of volunteers to drive people to the DMV, by the way, so if you know anyone in the area who wants to help prevent the disenfranchisement of our most vulnerable voters, please pass on my contact info. I know you share a building with some decent people, so maybe you could mention it to them if you run into anyone at work who cares about preserving democracy and they could get in touch.
  • Enjoying the vindication of having been part of the investigation that led to Politifact calling you out on your lie that you've never said anything negative about teachers.
  • Trying to save our house from foreclosure. (Thanks, by the way, for the helpful cuts that reduced my appointment by 17% and totally destroyed our already frugal budget. Without those cuts, we might be contributing to the economy like we should be right now.)
  • Various other writing and work.
  • Starting a RECALL WALKER Pumpkin Carving Contest.
So don't worry. I'm not over you at all. I've just been busy. And considering you give us new reasons each day to resist your power-hungry agenda, I don't think you need to worry much that my reasons to write to you will subside before you're recalled. Especially since it has become increasingly clear that you have no intention at all of providing jobs - or tools - to the people who need them in Wisconsin.  On the plus side, this helps our recall effort since you continue to provide us with free publicity by serving as your own attack ad. Let's look at what YOU and your Republican cohort have been up to since I last wrote:
  • Fundraising with (or is it for?) your buddies the Koch Brothers
  • Wasting our money on the bogus voter id law and thwarting free and open elections (really? I thought you hated wasteful government spending? Talk about lack of fiscal responsibility!)
  • Wasting our time by your joke of a special jobs session on things like making sure kids don't get proper sex education (really? I thought you were anti-abortion? Talk about working against your own agenda!)
  • Wasting our money
  • Being at the heart of a federal John Doe investigation as more and more people around you are granted immunity
  • Fundraising (and lying)
  • Undermining our teachers, stealing from our most vulnerable students and placing more limits every day on their resources (really? I thought you were against over-regulation and for education? Talk about hypocrisy!)
  • Rolling back efforts to address the chronic wasting disease problem in deer populations
  • Passing some dumb law about fertilizer that has nothing to do with jobs
  • Fundraising
  • Manipulating the law to force through your catastrophic plan to destroy the environment by implementing the proposed mine, a plan that you seem hell-bent to push through despite massive efforts to stop it by the community it will negatively impact forever
  • Seeing the results of your asinine deregulation of water standards as Wisconsin communities find themselves having to boil water because their drinking water has been contaminated by fecal matter
  • Keeping the unemployment rate nice and high and causing private sector employment to decline (for the third month in a row) (really? I thought you were going to create 250,000 jobs! You're averaging a loss of about 20,000 a month. At this rate, you'll LOSE us 250,000 jobs before your term is over. Good thing we're recalling you!)
  • Fundraising (and lying again)
Ok, it's getting late. This partial list will have to do. I missed a lot, but we both know what you've done. And so do the rest of the people in Wisconsin.

Anyway, for all of these reasons, and so many more, I'm still not over your abuses of power and your brazen contention that Wisconsin is for sale while the rest of us are being foreclosed.

And I think it's also worth complaining about, before I sign off, that you still have not replied to one single letter I have written you, even after a distinguished third party read one of them out loud to you on a national stage.  Is there seriously nothing a dissenting constituent can do to get your attention? You don't reply to our letters. You pretend we aren't in the room when we try to address you. You tell people that we don't really exist. And I have to say, it's getting pretty annoying.

Because democracy means you work for us. You work for the people. And if we're your boss, you have to listen to what we have to say even if you hate what we're saying. It's not optional. Democracy means the people matter; they have a voice. And they shouldn't be forced to blow against the wind by writing monologues that everyone but the recipient reads because he's too much of a plutocratic egomaniac to bother with the plebes he pretends to serve.

So the fact that you still refuse to even acknowledge our dissent is, in the end, grounds for dismissal. And I'm afraid it's come to that.  It would be preferable to communication anyway at this point.

Bring on the recall.

Heather DuBois Bourenane
Wisconsin citizen

How to Throw a Birthday Party without Money Using Scott Walker's "Tools"

Bad economy got you down?
Feel like your kids are going to be disappointed with the lame party you're throwing this year?
Worried that Scott Walker's helpful cuts to your benefits and pay are going to ruin your kids' birthday?

Well, thanks to the handy "tools" provided by Governor Scott Walker, you can translate your poverty into the Best Party Ever following these simple tips:

How to Survive without Money 
Using Scott Walker's "Tools"

  1. Find a free venue.  The most obviously free place to have a party is your own home, but we all know how lame that is for your kids, who are already sick of being stuck at your house all the time anyway because you can't afford to go out and do fun things anymore. Plus, having the party at home means you'd have to clean the whole place and fix the screen door and the toilet that doesn't flush right - and who has the time or money for all that? So find someplace free - it's more fun for the kids anyway.  Also, it's not technically "squatting" if you don't have a reservation. Bowling alleys, Chuck E. Cheese, park pavilion...all these places are just begging for you to come set up your party unannounced.  If the kids ask why they aren't getting the "deluxe" accoutrements (like the bowling, or tokens, or use of the restrooms), just say "they're out" and "next time we'll make sure to call ahead." Problem solved. If the manager asks you to leave, or if the cops come, feign innocence and/or blame your partner or spouse who assured you the reservation had been made. And you'd be surprised how hard it is to get yourself kicked out of places like church banquet rooms. Just say "the pastor said it was free today" - they'll never dare bring up never having seen you around before. Easy.
  2. "Those invitations were so cute, too! I'm sorry yours got lost in the mail!"
    Cut down on the guest count by "accidentally" forgetting to mail the invitations. A late-night call on Friday to invite people to the Saturday party because "someone" forgot to put the invitations in the mail (again, saying you thought your partner had it covered goes miles) means most people will already have plans and thus be unable to attend, but will probably feel bad about it and end up dropping off a present for your kid eventually. And then it's like having two parties!
  3. Don't waste money on things you don't need, like food. There are actually two easy ways to avoid this: (1) Hold the party at a time when you won't have to serve food.  The 2-5 slot is ideal for this. Plus this frees up your morning for scoping out the venue, just to be on the safe side in case you have to move to a last-minute Plan B. Or (2) Make it a potluck, but discretely fail to bring anything yourself.  This is Wisconsin. We live to potluck. So ask people to let you know if they'd like to bring a main dish, side or beverage, and make sure you have everything covered before the party. In the event that there's not enough food, blame the (imaginary) people who didn't show up, who had been so excited for us to try their rack of lamb.
  4. Make your own everything else. With a scissors, some markers and some old paper, you can decorate the heck out this party and have your guests thinking you're the greatest parent in the world. How? By "letting" the kids do it (aka forcing the kids to do it). Have them make banners, confetti, cut-out balloons - the works. Just tape it up, string it around, and party on.
  5. Do-it-yourself games and entertainment. We all have someone in our lives who owns a giant banana costume, or a clown outfit, or a gorilla suit, or whatever. Or some uncle who juggles or does magic tricks. Call that person, and have them show up at the party and do their thing "as a gift" to your kid. Games are easy to make for free, and - I can't stress this enough - letting your kids do the work frees you entirely from the expectation that it looks good. Make your own pin-the-tail-on-whatever-that-thing-is-supposed-to-be. Make your own piñata out of papier-mâché , or if you're too lazy for that, out of an empty cereal box that the kids decorated and filled with all the old Halloween and Easter candy you still have hiding in the top cupboard. And if the party's at a park or outside, you don't even have to have games. Just make them go play. They like that anyway. 
  6. Save big money by "dropping the cake" on the way out the door.  Bakery cakes are expensive. And between that broken oven you can't afford to fix and your terrible decorating skills, making your own is out of the question.  However, some strategic tears and a tragic tale of racing out the door, cake in hand, only to stumble and fall face-first into that beautiful cake....your guests will never be the wiser. And think of how you'll have a charming joke for years to come about the time you ruined the cake! What a story! And what a fun party that was anyway! [wink]
  7. Get creative about "party favors."  Have a nice, long talk about how your child doesn't want this party to be "superficial" and "all about the goodies."  Then brainstorm about some (free) things you could have the kids do that they could take home as a "favor." Party's at a park? Bring glue and have them make pinecone people. Party's at the bowling alley? Have them make an art project out of scorecards, pencils and packets of cream and sugar. Party's at home? [last resort!] Have them make "the favor that lasts forever" - the ol' bean in a wet paper towel in a paper cup trick - and then decorate the "vase" however they'd like. Once again, the fact that these look like crap is not a reflection on you; little artists have a lot to learn. You're just helping them toward their goals.
  8. Last, but not least, be sure to give credit where credit is due, and be a gracious host and responsible parent. Your child and guests will want to give you full credit for throwing such a wonderful party, but that would be unfair. The biggest present on the gift table should be a huge box, beautifully wrapped, with a card that reads "Happy Birthday! Thought you could use some new tools! With love from Governor Scott Walker."  When your child opens it, and finds nothing, the look on his or her face will be priceless. Take a picture of that look, and send it to the Governor.
And there you have it! Party's on, kids are happy, and you didn't spend a dime. Thank you, Scott Walker!

If you liked this helpful advice, you'll love Part 1: How to Survive Without Money Using Scott Walker's "Tools"

And if you've got money to burn, you might check out my non-pauper's edition of valuable party advice: Planning Your Child's Birthday Party.

Scott Walker: Bad for Education, Bad for Wisconsin (interview)

Monologues on air: interview with Ed Schultz.

Technically, it's only a monologue if you're talking to Scott Walker, a stone wall, or other things that don't give a crap. Regular people talk back, and then you call it dialogue.

I was really honored to be invited on the Ed Schultz Show on Sept.26, 2011 to talk about why I wrote an open letter to Brian Williams and Scott Walker's bad-for-education budget. Here's the interview, if you missed it.  Thanks to Ed Schultz for the continued dialogue on Wisconsin and the assaults on public education nationwide, and for giving me the opportunity to call Scott Walker out as the tooljob he is on national tv.

Click here to listen to the radio interview:
Scott Walker's Useless "Tools" - Interview with Ed Schultz 26 Sept 2011 by Monologues of Dissent