Valuable Advice: How to Enjoy Your Summer Vacation (Part 1)

A reader asks....
Haven't seen any free advice lately. How about some advice on traveling out west? Do I need to say out west or is just plain west O.K? And do you have a must see and must avoid list? I am sure many of your readers are planning trips this summer and could use your help.  Thanks. Love, Dad.
"Dad" poses an excellent question, and I applaud him on being the first reader to help me make the long-awaited leap from purveyor of complimentary and unsolicited advice to purveyor of solicited advice. I am happy to be of service.

"Dad's" question is a complicated one, and I can anticipate providing unlimited advice on this topic, so I've already narrowed this down to installments, the first of which, obviously, addresses what I think many of you have been lacking in the tour guides and promotional literature that is currently available.  I've tentatively drafted these installments as follows, and am open to suggestions for additional topics on which my sage advice could prove useful:

Part 1: Getting started: Suggested Ground rules for your Roadtrip
Part 2: An Illustrated Guide to the Grand and Historic Restrooms of the American West
Part 3: So You Plan to Motor West? What you must see, and what you must avoid, made easy.
Part 4: Essential Travel Lies to Tell Your Children - Roadtrip Edition!
Part 5: Take Only Pictures, Leave Only Footprints
Part 6: How to Tell if You Should Have Paid a Little More for that Motel/Hotel/Cabin
Part 7: How Not to Get Killed in Yellowstone
Part 8: Kevin Costner's Black Hills (tm): An Illustrated Guide to the "Real" America
(+ more, I'm sure, tba)
That's a lot to look forward to. For now, please enjoy...

The 5th Most Valuable Advice You'll Ever Receive, Guaranteed, or Your Money Back: 
How to Enjoy Your Summer Vacation, Even if You Travel With Others
Part 1: Getting started: 10 Time-Tested Ground Rules for a Fun & Death-free Roadtrip
 
In the summer of 2010, my husband and I, with our two kids - then five and three - enjoyed a two-week roadtrip from Wisconsin to Yellowstone and back via a double-dose of Black Hills. Oh, and we did it with my parents, and my sister and her 9-year-old son. And we all rode together. In one minivan. With 8 people. And it was the Best Vacation Ever. No one died, and we had fun all day, every day, with minimal grouchiness and squabbling and only one (if I recall) episode of barfing.  This information, I believe, demonstrates my credentials in providing advice on the topic of How to Enjoy Your Summer Vacation, Even if You Travel With Others, as it is not particularly easy to enjoy 2 weeks of being in a minivan with eight people unless you are committed to having the Best Vacation Ever and have established a few ground rules for making sure things work out ok and no one gets hurt.

Here are some 10 basic groundrules to ensure fighting is restricted to the minimum, living to the maximum, and no one ends up hating anyone else on the trip:

1. Bring a map, or have GPS.  Going unscripted is great for newlyweds and ne'er do wells, but if you're on a roadtrip with your husband and your kids and your parents and your sister and her kid, you need to know exactly where you are in relation to the place where you'll be able to get out of the car and find a few minutes of peace.  Also, maps tell you what points of historic interest you should stop at, and are generally useful in marking out the distances between restrooms, which leads me to my next point:

2. Designate someone to be the bathroom police, or just be that person yourself. This person's job, for the duration of the trip, is to make sure that every single person uses the restroom every single time you stop the car, whether they "don't have to" or not. Adults included.  At first, this person will seem bossy and rude, and over time, that person will seem domineering and detestable. But no one will be begging to go to the bathroom as soon as you get on the highway again, and for this you will thank that person one day, I promise.

3. If someone feels like barfing, pull the car over immediately and let that person out. The amount of fun you will have on your vacation is directly proportionate to the degree to which your vehicle does not smell like vomit. Do not fool around with this rule.  Pull the car over. Now.

4. If there are children in your vehicle, be sure they have plenty of things to do while you're driving. Assuming they will simply enjoy the scenery like the rest of us is foolish and dangerous, as is evidenced in my nephew's famous response to entering the majestic Yellowstone National Park: "This is Yellowstone? A bunch of trees?"  The most popular thing for kids to do in the car is eat snacks, so bring as many as you possibly can, but be mindful of tip #2 as you make your selections.

5. If someone in the car says "I'm getting hungry," this is your cue to start looking for a nice spot to have a picnic.  This is not your cue to say "Really? We just ate a few hours ago. Let's stop when we hit the state line."  Remember: part of being on vacation is having a good time. And no one's having a good time when one person is trying to make good time and the other people are thinking about how, when they finally stop to eat, they are going to drop that person's sandwich on the ground "by accident."

6. Plan ahead, and be spontaneous!  If you have 8 people in your van, you need to know where you're spending the night. Because driving around some rinkydink town at midnight with hungry, whiny kids in the back isn't the funnest way to spend your time. So make reservations, or at least know your options ahead of time. Then you can spend your days idling about at Balls of Twine and World's Largest (I assume) Jolly Green Giants and so on.

7. Don't forget your camera, or anything else.  You are going to forget a lot of things on this trip, and the tragedy of this is that you will learn, of necessity, that you can find a megastore in the unlikliest of places, whereever you go in the United States, and that they are all, tragically, the same.  You will be forced to patronize Wal-Marts and Targets because there are no other choices, which will make you start to question your unrealistic preconceptions of the Grand American West. The more you travel, in fact, the more you will start to understand what they mean when they say this world is small, and you will start to feel a little melancholy.  So make sure you pack everything you can think of so that you have to make this sort of stop as infrequently as possible as you travel.
Corn Palace isn't the only claim to fame of Mitchell, SD

8. Stop at every single place that has the words "Greatest" or "Only" or "First" or "Birthplace" or "Historic" in its title or on its sign.  To avoid the melancholy anguish of #6, I suggest you find out what makes each place you visit unique.  We must have seen 15 birthplaces and childhood homes of Laura Ingalls Wilder on one of our trips, each one more rustic and charming than the last. And don't even get me started on the World's Largest Walnut.  You have to find it for yourself.



9. Warning: That place has a gift shop.  Unless you plan to buy, or let your children waste their own money buying, a souvenir at every place you stop, you are advised that every single place you will stop has a gift shop. The home where Laura Ingalls Wilder spent her twilight years has a gift shop. Many of the opulent roadside rest areas in South Dakota have gift shops.  Wall Drug is a gift shop. So either set a budget and stick with it, or get ready to do some clever lying (see Part 4: Essential Travel Lies to Tell Your Children - Roadtrip Edition!). You cannot avoid the gift shops. So get used to that right now. You're going to have to come up with some fun ways to make the most out of walking through these shops. One option: setting unrealistic souvenir goals ("I collect hand-painted portraits of locals from each place I've visited") will give you something to do while the others are milling about for hours deciding which bumper sticker to get. Or you could just get a coffee while you're waiting. As long as you don't wait in the car. You could wait in the car at home. And you're on vacation.

If bears are going to kill my kids, they'll die holding my hand.
10. Bottom line: safety first.  If yours is a Wild West Adventure, you are going to visit many places at which you or your child could easily die of your own folly or be killed by outside sources.  We had a code word for danger zones on our trip - I can't remember what it was! Sprinkles? Funyuns? Combination Unicorn and Pegasus? - and if we said that word it meant the kids had to hold our hands from the time we got out of the van until we re-entered it. It was very effective, as none of us died, or even got gored or anything, which I am happy I lived to report so I could pass on this valuable advice to you. If you don't want to hold hands with anyone, you might consider harnessing, or otherwise restraining, young children, or perhaps leaving them at home with a dear friend or family member. But plan to spend a good deal of time concerned for the mortal safety of your children. But look around you: this view was totally worth it. Just don't look down.



----------------------
25 June 2011. Update:
Code word: Mango. 
Thanks, Mom!
----------------------

This has been The 5th Best Unsolicited Advice You'll Ever Receive, Guaranteed, or Your Money Back.   Want more? Click away:
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Featuring...5 easy lies to tell your children to ensure your summer living is easy!

Breaking News: Scott Walker accidentally says something true

22 June 2011
Dear Scott Walker,

I was absolutely shocked this week to read, in an article whose very title ("Walker says most voters aren't interested in recall elections and want to 'move on'") makes clear that there's going to be some serious lying going on, that you actually, if accidentally, said something true.
http://www.loleconomy.com/images/inconvenient_truth.jpg

Before we get to your accidental truths, though, I just have to say first that I find unconscionable your audacity in making claims about what voters are "interested in," considering your absolute refusal to engage in any sort of dialogue or discussion with, respond to, or even make eye contact with as far as I can tell, any citizens of Wisconsin who do not blindly support you.  I, for instance, have been telling you for months exactly what I'm interested in, and it's generally a tie between your recall and your resignation, and you keep telling me how you're going to keep those specific comments in mind. Your phony, tired claims about the "majority" become increasingly ingratiating the longer you refuse to connect with your constituents. The very idea of  of you having any idea what people are "interested" in is an absurdity of the highest order. You claim, in this  interview, that you're not really a divisive or "polarizing" force, that the unions are the ones dividing the people of Wisconsin. But the fact that you continue to refuse to acknowledge or communicate with us, coupled with your audacity in claiming to speak for us, proves otherwise. You are the most divisive governor in the United States. And I cannot wait to see you recalled.

That aside, though, I think it's a rare enough occasion for you to say something true that we should take a minute to discuss it.  To rule out any confusion, I should probably make clear that I am not talking about the most glaring lie in this article, in which you pretend (as usual) that unions - and not you, personally, are responsible for the outrage over your attempt to both revoke teachers' rights AND cut education so drastically that districts have no choice but to balance their budgets in cuts to staff and wage freezes. You said: “The union is purposely ginning up this mindset that (teachers) are under attack, they’re under siege --  I think unfortunately creating great fear and division among teachers and other public employees, with the whole idea (to) use this as an issue to try to leverage a change in the political leadership.”  Unbelievable. You could not have gotten this more wrong. Nothing true here.

The truth, ironically, comes in the bit where you babble on about how people "aren't interested" in the upcoming and inevitable recall elections, including your own. Here's what you said, in case you forgot:
“People are ready to move on,” Walker said in an interview after an appearance in Washington, D.C. “And I don’t just mean one party or another. I think just in general. The average citizen in Wisconsin I talk to, it’s like they’ve had it … They want us to be talking about jobs. They want us to be focused on that … And so having another political campaign -- it’s going to happen, it’s not like they can avoid it. But it’s not something they’re particularly interested in.”
Walker said that “when I talk to people, if that issue comes up, they’re like, ‘Can’t that just be over?'”
Crazy, I know, right? Where to start with this?  Well, why don't we start by addressing the lies, since they are the elephants in the room:
  • You don't talk to "average citizens." You only talk to those you count among the faithful. The rest of us you ignore and/or insult.
  • People don't want to hear you talking about jobs. They want you to create jobs instead of destroying the ones we already have, which you are not doing.
  • People aren't just "interested" in the recalls. They are invested in them. They are passionate about them. And not just because we want to see "our own party" in office, as you imply. But because we have been shocked back to life by the egregious abuses of power that we have seen in your administration and we could not possibly be more interested in seeing you out of office.  It's the #1 thing we're interested in, actually. 
  • The majority of people in Wisconsin want you out of office. Period.  You would lose in an election held today and you know it. You are deliberately and intentionally lying to promote the impression that the "silent majority" supports you despite the fact that you know full well this is untrue. You should be ashamed of yourself for never once giving serious, respectful attention to the outrage, fears and concerns of over half of the people in Wisconsin. Shame.
But in spite of the usual, shameful lies, not much is news here; we've heard all this before. There's a great analysis of your lies here, in a very nice article titled "Disingenuous Walker Lies Disingenuously" (the only way you know how).  We're used to your lies. But the surprise was in the truth.  Here's what you said that is true:
  • People are ready to move on.  
That is so true! We are ready to move on (dot org!). We are ready to move on to the recalls. We are ready to move on to undoing the damage that has been done to our economy, our schools and our government (which, thanks to you and your cohort the people now have shockingly little faith in). We are ready to move on to getting real work done that brings people together to move Wisconsin forward. We are ready to tighten our belts and do our share, but we are ready to stop the tax cuts to the wealthy and corporate power-launderers who have purchased control of our government. We are ready. We are energized (thanks to you!). And we will move on. Without you.

I am ready to move on. Are you?  

Resign.

And soon,
Heather DuBois Bourenane
Taxpayer, future recall election voter, and average Wisconsin citizen who is extremely interested in seeing you out of office

PS: Remember how YOU were elected County Executive in Milwaukee in a recall election yourself and you praised people for "standing up and taking their government back?"  Turns out you accidentally said something true then, too:  "Too much is at stake not to get involved in the game." As true today as when you said it then. You might want to keep that in mind as your henchman Fitzgerald the Elder fights to take away this right to ensure a government of, for and by the people.

Happy Father's Day to Scott Walker, Governor Dad

19 June 2011
Dear Scott Walker,

Today is Fathers' Day, and I hope you spent yours with your family, doing fun family things and being a good dad. Because you sure are doing a bad job at being governor, so it would be nice if there was an area in which you found you could excel.

I don't pay much attention to your private life, but it does strike me that you make such frequent mention of your kids, so I kind of feel like you're inviting us to see something of your parenting philosophy, which I'd like to visit briefly given the special occasion we're celebrating today.  You are on record as saying that you hope your boys take college more seriously than you did, and also repeatedly saying over and over again variations of this:
"I have two sons that go to public high school. The last thing I'm going to do is hurt public education in the State of Wisconsin. I don't want to hurt my son Matt, I don't want to hurt my son Alex. My school district just announced that because of the reforms  we gave them, they're going to be able to restore positions that were laid off, and they're going to be able to reduce the tax level. To me, that's exactly what I said would happen."
So I'd like to congratulate you for making a gesture toward recognizing the importance of of supporting education and encouraging your children.  And also for your hilarious joke about cuts to education and eliminating the rights of public workers being "reform."

But I really wish you'd be a little more honest about what you're really telling your boys (and by extension, all the kids in Wisconsin), which seems, from my perspective (i.e. listening to all the things you say in public), to be the following:

1) Get an education, because people like that piece of paper. But be sure to get a real job when you're done. 
It's well-known, since your conversation with the faux-Koch that you don't consider public sector employment "real money," and that your dropping out of college has been defended time and again as you insult those with degrees by talking about how useless they are. Google it if you want sources; I'm not in the mood to revisit the hundreds of quotes, articles, analyses, etc, on this topic. It's not my job to do all of your homework.

2) Public workers are disposable, manipulable, and the least among us. Avoid them. They do not deserve your respect.
You tell your us that your district was able to "restore positions without layoffs" but that's not entirely honest, is it? The district saw deep cuts to personnel and was only able to balance the budget with draconian cuts to pay and benefits:
"The feat was done as Ertl said it would have to be done — not on the backs of children in the classroom but on the backs of school employees through major pay and benefit concessions."
"All this would not be possible without those concessions from our employees," Ertl said. Board member Mary Jo Randall echoed that, with added thanks to Ertl and his administrative staff, saying, "I don't think you can say enough about our employees and our leadership."

3) Don't worry about being honest. A half-truth is as good as the truth.
While you like to use your district as an example of how great your budget bill is for Wisconsin, in fact it's an excellent example of how local communities pay the price for your cuts to everyday programs and education in exchange for the handouts you delivered to your corporate funders. True, your school district was able to balance its budget and even come in under the levy of the previous year, but more careful analysis shows that property taxes will see a spike, and the real cost of these cuts will be felt throughout the the district in the coming years, as taxpayers cover the costs and staff continues to suffer under pay freezes, which the superintendent has repeatedly stated he sought to minimize:

Board discomfort

The proposed hike was generally ill-received by the School Board.
Board member Phil Kroner said he is concerned about raising taxes given persistent economic pressures on district taxpayers. He also questioned whether more could be done to limit spending. "A lot of our citizens are having to make cuts in their own budgets," he said. "I'm concerned that not enough effort was made in looking for cuts to try to hold things as low as possible or even to spend less than the levy (limit) is allowing."

Handcuffed by revenue losses

Superintendent Phil Ertl assured the board that he, Mack and other administrators pored over the budget line by line in a "painstaking process" to ensure efficiency.  Mack said the tax increase is caused entirely by state reductions in school funding and is therefore out of the district's control. The district is facing a $2.97 million - or 11.4 percent - cut in state aid. "I think that tells the story right there," Mack said of the numbers.
When the state sets the revenue cap - the total amount of tax and aid revenue a district is permitted to gather - but then reduces aid, that funding hole must be filled by property taxes, Mack said. "I think the misconception that exists out there is that school districts control their levy, and they really do not," he said.
4) A promise means nothing, but that doesn't make it meaningless. There's nothing more powerful than a broken (or insincere) promise.
This one is particularly poignant to me, since, again, it involves direct reference to your boys and direct consequences to me and other parents and public workers.  Remember a year ago this month, when you were campaigning, and you kept saying things like this as you made a promise to end late-night votes:
"I have two teenagers and I tell them that nothing good happens after midnight. That's even more true in politics. The people of Wisconsin deserve to know what their elected leaders are voting on."
Well, not only did you (obviously) not keep that promise, but you continue to applaud the late-night antics of Republican legislators as they work in the dead of night to introduce new measures and push through legislation without public comment, consent, or full understanding.  Very sneaky. Very dishonest. And a very strong message to send to our kids, don't you think?

5) Put yourself first. It's not your job to care for others.
As far as I'm concerned, this is the most important message you're sending your sons, and I applaud your consistency in sending it. So many children today are subjected to ambivalence, soul-searching, and careful consideration of the pros and cons as their parents make big decisions. But you show your boys - and the rest of the children of this state - that such wishywashiness is for losers. Winners act fast, take chances, and make decisions that will benefit the people they know and love. The people they don't know or love can take care of themselves. And that, you've shown us, is the American way.

So congratulations. You seem to be raising your boys exactly the way you feel best. It's a question of values.

As the head official of this state, the messages you send your children echo down to every child in this state. I, (as you know, from your reading and taking into consideration of the specific comments of my letters), am a parent, too. And I have no intention whatsoever in instilling these duplicitous "values" in my own family. But while our values differ, I don't doubt that we care equally about our children, and our hopes for their future.  The difference, though, is that you value your (profoundly flawed) ideology above all. And I, above all, would value your resignation. 

Imagine the headline: Walker Resigns, Sites letter, children, for his decision.

The children of Wisconsin would thank you for it.
And so would I.

Until then,
Heather DuBois Bourenane
Taxpayer, parent, and comparer of the things you say to the things you do.

P.S. I hope you got an Abe Lincoln tie for Fathers' Day, so you and Grothman can be twins on Crazy Ironic Tie Day at the office.

Senator Grothman in his (and hopefully YOUR, if your kids know what would suit you!) Lincoln tie, which seemingly inspires him to say things like "The Earned Income Credit is the equivalent of a welfare check" and "The only way [cutting the Earned Income Credit] is a sign of Wisconsin values is if you wanted to promote single motherhood."  It's the kind of tie that makes you classier - and oh so eloquent! -just by wearing it! I wonder what it will inspire you to say...something new and true perhaps? It could happen!   Image: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=137386319670995&set=a.129811040428523.30747.112526458823648&type=1&theater

Knock, knock. WHO'S THERE? The people. THE PEOPLE WHO?

 15 June 2011
Dear Scott Walker,

Sorry to fall out of touch this last week, but it has been CRAZY around here!  Super busy with work. Summer now so I have to work more jobs, and there was car trouble and the buying of a new car ("show me the cheapest car on your lot, sir!"), plus the kids had their last week of school and I had a lot of volunteer work to do for that, and I was trying to keep up with all the madness at the Capitol (so busy!) and then the kids and I were visiting my family in Michigan. You know, Michigan, the state one of your bosses owns?  You are going to be so jealous when I tell you that I was close enough to one of the DeVos mansions in Holland that I could actually smell the money of the thousands of plebes at the bottom of the pyramid who trickled their money up, up, up the ladder so that Betsy could one day reign supreme over them and demand a "return on her investment."  Seriously. I was that close. You would have loved it. There was poverty everywhere, and then their "house" in all its opulent excess. The only thing missing was a life-sized statue of a camel entering the eye of needle, which is a metaphor for how hard it is to get into a good charter school, and why Jesus wants us to have vouchers because it's not fair that all the godless liberals and poor people get a "free" education while the good children of the Lord have to pay top dollar. Jesus just loves trickle-down education.  I think that's what he meant by "suffer the children unto me." It takes visionaries and prophets like you and your friends to know that he meant that suffering part literally.

Anyway, I digress. I have a few items of business that we'd better get to, since it's been a while, and I know how you love business.  First, you can stop looking forward to it right now because I am NOT taking the bait on your mean-spirited "statement" yesterday about how the Supreme Court's partisan overturning of the illegal vote ruling is a step toward jobs etc.  Whatever. We all knew your bill would pass, and we all knew you got what you paid for in David Prosser, so we'll see you in the higher courts or the recall elections, whatever comes first. I'm ready for that fight.

I'd like to share, instead, my thoughts on your disgusting display of hubris at the Housing Conference last week, and take the time to identify three specific ways in which you've proved, yet again, that you are a selfish egomaniac with no regard whatsoever for the welfare of this state.

  1. In your infinite arrogance, you actually suggest that you can make "a case" for eliminating collective bargaining.  Here's what the Wisconsin State Journal says:  "Walker took two questions from the conference audience. Asked if there was anything he wished he had done differently, Walker said he should have "spent more time building a case" for his view that collective bargaining should be seen as "not a right, but an expensive entitlement" for public employees." Spend more time? What? You've had months. And your constant pingponging between two equally moronic lies ("Denying people their right to collective bargaining will save the economy" and "Denying people their right to collective bargaining has no fiscal component")  has proven, without a doubt, that you have no reasonable case to make.  But, even if you did, I'm sorry to inform you that you don't get to "make a case" for what our rights are. These rights, it turns out, are inalienable. And they are protected by state, federal and international law. And among them is the right to organize our labor and engage in collective bargaining with our employers. So you can leave your delusions of grandeur at the Governor's mansion next to your picture of yourself in a monocle and come back to earth. 
  2. You continue to spread the absurd lie that your policies will not lead to increased taxes.  Who do you think is going to have to foot the bill to keep our schools running now that you've gutted education? Our kids will pay that price, and local communities are already scrambling to figure out how to clean up this mess. By shifting the burden of fiscal responsibility to the local level and the working poor, you give the duplicitous illusion that you're doing something responsible when in fact you're just screwing the working class two ways: not only will I have to pay more, I'll be taking home less pay, too.  And I live in a district that can afford it! What of the rural areas where schools literally don't have a dime to spare and people are stretched too thin already to foot any more of the bill?  What of these people? What magic voucher does Jesus want them to receive to lift their kids out of that nightmare?
  3. I save the worst for last, and I think you know what it is. Just when I think you've outdone yourself in insulting us, just when I thought it was not possible for you to be any more disrespectful or demeaning,  you manage to remind us once again how little regard you really have for the needs and concerns of your constituents.  There you are, standing before a throng of adoring money-lenders and exploiters of the poor, waxing sanctimonious about all the good you're doing for this state, when you - quite out of character, actually, since you usually prefer to pretend we don't exist - acknowledge the banging of the crowd of protesters outside your event, who have gathered to defend the rights of the needy to secure housing.  BANG! BANG! go the protesters. And you have the nerve to say, "That's opportunity knocking for all of us now."  Your acolytes hoot and howl with glee at your hilarious joke, and it doesn't go unnoticed by the press. It doesn't go unnoticed by me, either.  Which "opportunity," exactly, are you referring to here?  The opportunity to strip us of our rights? The opportunity to mock us? The opportunity to force through your agenda despite the dissent of the people because you have no regard whatsoever for democracy or decorum? The opportunity to prove, once again, and publicly, how much you hate the people of Wisconsin?  Well, congratulations. You have proven all of these things. And then some.
I have a lot more to say to you, but that's enough for tonight.  I'd like to offer you, in closing, the opportunity to resign. Will you take it? Or hold out for the recalls?  Shame to waste such an extraordinary opportunity.

Resign.
Heather DuBois Bourenane
Wisconsin taxpayer
Knock, knock.  
Who's there?
The people.
The people who?
 image: http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRJGALSDPnSrqUYBlloIU558lF8xmUmYS-MMEeKnmbVrV5rZ7fx


Governor Announces Brown Bag Q&A with Walkerville Denizens

8 June 2011


Cool logo, huh? The AFL-CIO made it. This is not a camping trip.
Good news! A symbolic contingent of that "handful of people" you keep talking about has has camped out outside of the Capitol to let you know that we, the people, continue to oppose, and will not tolerate, your abuse of power.  They've made a beautiful encampment around the Capitol Square, and even named it after you: Walkerville. I can't even imagine how that must make you feel! I couldn't wait to tell you this because I hadn't heard yet that you'd noticed, and I think this is an excellent opportunity for you to take your famous brown bag (tm) outside for lunch one of these days and field a few questions that some of them have for you.  Get someone to work right now on the press release: Governor Announces Brown Bag Q&A with Walkerville Denizens. Do you have any idea how good that makes you look to the rest of the world (which is still, by the way, watching)?

I stand in solidarity with all of these people. You may have heard of "solidarity" in some of the singing that really annoys some people (isn't freedom of speech annoying?!), because one of the songs we like to sing is called called "Solidarity Forever" (which you might know by its other name, "The Battle Hymn Against the Republicans"). Solidarity means we stand together, and speak with one voice, since we share the same myriad concerns, so I took the liberty of volunteering to help you prep for this Q&A/listening session.  What follows is what I hope you'll find an extremely helpful list of questions you are likely to be asked and some suggestions for how you might respond (the cameras, obviously, will be on you, so you probably shouldn't just "wing it" like you have at recent events).  Think of it as a cheat sheet of sorts (we all know how you like cheating!), so you don't have to write anything on your hand or waste anyone's time with that vacant, open-mouthed pause you've perfected of late. 

I would normally not provide this kind of service free of charge, but I figure it's the kind of selfless bipartisan gesture that could really bring our sides together, so why not be the better person (as usual) and just help you out a bit?  Oh, and since one of the trends I've noticed in your public and press appearances is a tendency to lie incessantly, I thought it would be a nice change of pace if you played the "straight-shooter" here and were uncharacteristically honest.  I think this would go a long way in impressing both your supporters and your opponents, who would all feel they had the chance to get to know the real you, being honest and talking straight to the people you govern, munching the ham sandwich that has symbolically saved our state from the brink of financial collapse. So here you go:

Questions You Will Likely Field During Your 
Brown Bag "Listening Session" At Walkerville, 
and Suggested Responses:

Taxpayer: Why are you such an asshole? [variation: Why are you such a dick, bastard, idiot, etc?]
Editor's note: I'm very sorry to start with this one, but I figured it's either going to be the first or the most frequent question you'll be asked, so let's just get it out of the way before we move on to policy points.
Suggested response I'm sorry I've brought you to the point where you have no recourse but to use such language, but let's face it: I'm a total dick. And I'm going to stay that way until you either depose me or lose focus as a group and watch me get reelected for a second term, so get used to it.  I'm an arrogant, remorseless jerk, incapable of empathy [Editor's note: empathy is the ability to consider, relate to and understand the feelings and perspectives of others. Be sure to use this word, as both your supporters and your detractors will be thrilled to learn that you now know what it means]. I don't want to go into the "why" of it, because then we get into a long story about my childhood, and my college years, and my feelings of inadequacy and inferiority about dropping out of college, and the ensuing need to overcompensate and my contempt for anyone with a degree, so let's just leave that one off the table: I'm an asshole, and I'm not going to let a handful of out-of-state rabble rousers give the rest of the country the impression that the taxpayers of Wisconsin didn't know when they hired me to be CEO of this state that I am now, and I always have been, an asshole.

Taxpayer: Why do you hate my children?
Suggested response: Well, that's a complicated question, because there are so many angles to it. But I guess the main reason is because your children are not rich [or white, depending on who asked the question; in some cases you might say both]. My policies are carefully designed to benefit affluent families, whose predominately white children I actually love very much. So I don't hate all children, let me make that very clear. Just yours. Kids who go to private schools, kids who already have health insurance either through their married parents' work or through their single mother, are ok in my book. Kids who want to get a special voucher to let the state pay for them to go to a private school so that their parents can have a chance at cementing the racist class system that keeps so many people down all over this country - those kids I adore. Kids with disabilities, and just your average public school kids, not so much. And homeless kids? I can't even bear to look at them.


Taxpayer: Why do you hate my parents?
Suggested response: Hey now, that's not fair. You shouldn't just assume I hate your parents - your parents could be millionaires for all I know! 
If the person insists his/her parents are not millionaires, add this:
Just because I don't support programs like Senior Care, and just because the AARP has launched a major campaign to make sure people know how dangerous my policies are for the hundreds of thousands of senior citizens in our state - people who worked hard their whole lives and paid, diligently and patriotically into a system they trusted - doesn't mean I "hate" them. It just means I have no respect for them, and that I don't have a moral problem with their not being able to afford food, housing or medical care. It's so like you liberals to jump to a logical conclusion based on evidence and facts.

Taxpayer: Why do you hate me?
Suggested response: Well, it's a nice day and we're all here to listen and to move forward. So I'll just say that, again, just because I'm trying as hard as I can to force you out of your job, steal your pension, reduce your health care benefits, you name it!, doesn't mean I hate you. It just means I have no respect for you. None. In fact, I think my good friend Glenn Grothman said it best, and I think a lot of taxpayers are wondering what I'm doing right now, talking to you people when I could be out raising money to keep you in the gutter where you belong. So you could be a little more grateful, if you don't mind my saying. I'm here, aren't I? Next question.

Taxpayer: Why do you hate Wisconsin?
Suggested response: Well, I'm not from Wisconsin originally, but I did move here when I was 10, so I like to tell people I "grew up in Wisconsin" because, I was literally still growing then, and have continued to live here since. And I guess I would have to say, the main thing I hate about Wisconsin is its history. Especially its history of progressivism, union building, and success. I'd like to see all of this destroyed in a new, better Wisconsin, where there's less talk of "the people" and "moving forward" and more privatizing of everything. Look at craft beers for example - you guys like beers right? - imagine how much better off we'd all be if it was a little easier for Miller/Coors to compete with big brands like Anheuser-Busch? You'd support that, right? You'd take one for the team, right? That's my philosophy for Wisconsin: take one for the team. A team of highly paid corporate lackeys who will control your assets and make sure everything is taken care of. Just think of all the jobs that will be created when all those small-time breweries close down and then all of those people can get the new jobs that I'll create just for them! So don't worry about it! I've got this under control. That's another thing I hate about Wisconsin - there's just too much democracy. The people of this Wisconsin did not hire me to be CEO of this state so that I could spend all my time "listening to the people" and "representing them" - if I did that, nothing would get done around here. And I'm not going to let a handful of people show me what democracy looks like, even if I have to put an end to democracy to avoid seeing that.

Taxpayer: Why are you such a liar?
Suggested response: Well, that's a relative question. I think it's pretty clear, as Stephen Colbert once said, that reality does tend to have a pretty liberal bias, so telling the truth isn't really an option for me if I want to continue duping my supporters into thinking I have the best interests of this state in mind. But, you know, that's a good question, and you certainly have the right to express that point of view, and I respect that.

Taxpayer: What do you think about making the Cream Puff the state dessert, when people of this state have been advocating for years for the Kringle to take the honor?
Suggested response: [start with your phony cackling laugh to break the ice - this is a great question for you to try to wrap things up with!] Well, the people of the great state of Wisconsin really know better than anyone how to make a dessert, and the Cream Puff is pretty famous from what I understand, and there are probably people out there, from Illinois or the Twin Cities, who say the Kringle should have a chance, too. And they have every right to say that. But I'm not going to let a handful of people dictate what dessert the majority of people in line to buy Cream Puffs at the State Fair say is the best dessert in this great state. I'm not going to let them do that. Cream Puffs may be nationally ubiquitous (like the robin), but ours are the best, and we're not going to let them stop us from moving forward on this. And when the people of Wisconsin elected me to be CEO of this state, they knew I was the kind of guy who would make the bold moves, and, hey, we're broke! It's not about "what do we want?" here, it's about "what's going to fix this crisis?" And if there's one thing that can turn this state around, it's our famous Cream Puff.

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And there you have it! You'll probably get some variations on these same questions, but I think if you just stick to the script and your usual talking points, this could be a really mutually beneficial event and I do not have a doubt that after all these months of being alternately ignored and insulted by you, forcing you to have an actual, meaningful conversation with your constituents you would be the final nail in your political coffin, which is, of course, our ultimate goal.

So, I look forward to what could, potentially, be the last of your disgustingly hypocritical brown bag lunches, and that you'll take this opportunity either to wake up to the fact that we are not going away and you cannot ignore us, or resign.

Until you do,
Heather DuBois Bourenane
Wisconsin citizen and friend of Walkerville and all it represents to your growing and well-earned reputation as a hater of democracy
Walkerville at night is a beautiful sight. Photo: Madthinker.
This is not about the money.  And it never was.  Photo: Madthinker