The 2nd Best Unsolicited Advice You'll Ever Receive, Guaranteed, Or Your Money Back

Installment #2 in an ongoing, perhaps infinite, series of invaluable unsolicited advice.

Valuable advice: Honesty is rarely the best policy, but it can come in handy.
Sometimes, being honest is a terrible idea. For instance, if it's Mothers' Day, and after the kids go to bed, someone says, "Did you have a good day?", you probably should not say "No, I did not have a good day. I spent most of it traumatized by the horrifying image of Scott Walker going fishing, and the rest of it in a passive-aggressive state of poutiness about how you people didn't even plan anything."  That would be rude, and maybe even hurt that person's feelings. So you should just say, "It was ok" with a far-away look in your eyes, and a soft sigh that could either be interpreted as maternal bliss or vaguely detected disappointment, but not as a confrontational huff. And then, later, in the future, when that person makes you mad for a more tangible reason, and you're listing all the ways they've let you down in the past, you can bring up your real feelings about Mothers' Day, and really make that person feel guilty, and you'll win the argument. Which is a gift in itself.

Valuable advice: How to get the most out of gardening.
The best and most effective way to get the most out of gardening is not to plant a garden this year. Because no matter how tempting it is now that the weather is nice and things are looking so green and smelling so sweet, you hate gardening. In particular, you hate the weeding, and the watering, and being attacked by mosquitoes. Gardening is just another chore in the long list of things that no one else will do around here if you don't do it yourself, so just skip it this year. Otherwise, you're going to realize (much, much too late) how passionately you really hate gardening. And at the end of summer, after you go to the market and buy a bushel of tomatoes to make salsa because all of yours are wilted with blight, you'll swear to yourself that you'll never garden again - only to be duped into planting a bunch of expensive heirloom seedlings by the "miracle" of Spring.  But guess what? Spring isn't a miracle. It's just part of an endless cycle of manipulation designed to trick you into thinking this god-forsaken tundra is suitable for human habitation, which it is not.  Perhaps if you moved to Hawaii you could have a nice little patio garden. But I'm pretty sure they have farmers' markets there, too, so I suggest you just stop wasting your time all around and spend some quality time with your kids, or catching up with your virtual word gaming before you get nudged. And leave the gardening to the nice people who sell their lovely organic goods at the leftist cooperative farmers' market. You always wanted to support those guys anyway. So everyone wins.

Valuable advice: Never, ever trust a child.
This bit of advice is actually a repeat from volume one, but a lot of you still aren't following it, so it bears repeating.  I cannot stress this enough: children are not to be trusted. They are to be loved, tickled, encouraged, talked to, hugged, smooched and read to. But not trusted. Because those bastards little angels will sneak into the kitchen at 5am and use your sharpest scissors to open a brand new bag of brown sugar (even though there's an open one right there next to it), and then eat half the bag with their sticky fists. Then, later, when you get up and ask them why they have sugar all over their shirts, and why there are so many bag clips on the new bag of sugar, and why they made such an unhealthy choice for breakfast, they will say "Because I thought you might want to make cookies later, so I was just opening it for you, and some got on my shirt." Which is a total lie.  So don't make this mistake again. I repeat: never trust a child.

Valuable advice: How to be an effective governor, Believers' edition.
If people accidentally elected you governor of a democratic state, and you think that God is telling you how to be a good governor, so you quick made a bunch of "bold" moves to make that state "open for business" and "reform" an education system that is among the best in the nation and you abuse your big government power by taking away peoples' rights and insulting public servants, and then hundreds of thousands of informed people in that state come running as fast as they can with hilariously clever signs to shout about how catastrophic your plan will be for the good of that state, but you just ignore those people, and tell lies about them everywhere you go, then this is God's way of telling you that you're not a very effective governor. In Bible times, they called this "a sign."  You might want to brush up on your religious studies if any of that is unclear to you, because God is very clearly saying "you're fired."

Valuable advice: Lawn maintenance tips
Actually, you don't need much advice in this department. Your yard looks great today! But, for the future, if your next door neighbor is both too lazy and too leftist to spray or otherwise eliminate weeds from her lawn, and feels her time is better spent writing hate mail and providing valuable advice than ridding the world of dandelions, you might as well give up your own fight, on account of wind, and natural selection.  Because your back hurts now, and your yard is going to have a lot of dandelions in it next week anyway.  Bonus tip: You could spend the time you save not being doubled over your lawn with your special weed-uprooting tool online, getting free and valuable advice!  Win, win!

I think they're pretty. Image, and suggestions on what to do with them, at

Missed the first round of valuable invaluable advice? Here is is. You're welcome.

Note to readers seeking valuable advice:
Solicited advice on any topic is available, free of charge. Just email your question or the topic about which you'd like some advice to with "advice" or "advice, please" or "extraordinary advice, please" in your subject line. Be sure to say if you want your name withheld, or I will include it in my reply.

No comments:

Post a Comment