This is the first of what will likely be many, perhaps countless, installments of free and unsolicited advice, assuming I continue to feel like giving advice, and/or people feel like receiving it, in which case I will provide complimentary solicited advice. I hope we all learn something. Because this is going to be very valuable advice. Believe me.
There are a few jobs in this world I think I'd be really, really good at (judge, minigolf course designer, communist bed and breakfast proprietor, writer of books, advertising tycoon, etc), but life is short and it's getting a little late for me to get started in most of them, by which I mean I'm either too lazy to do it or don't really want to. And as I prepare to embark of the beginning stages of my midlife crisis, it's time to accept the fact that it's becoming increasingly unlikely that I will fulfill my one true calling in life (Beloved Advice Columnist). It's time, therefore, to take matters into my own hands and officially start my new, part-time, unpaid career as Unsolicited Advice Columnist Extraordinaire (I added the "extraordinaire" to stress that I have a lot of experience in the advice-giving department, and that this is really high quality advice). I understand that I'm trading in the "beloved" for the "unsolicited" here, but at least this way the dream lives on. And while I won't be getting paid, I will accept compensation in the form of praise and the floodgates of advice-seeking souls this is surely to open, so I guess the real winner here is you, dear reader, who gets the benefit of my excellent and unerring insights. I offer this valuable advice humbly, and in the service of a perfectionism in pursuit of its proof of perfection.
Valuable Advice: Dealing with perfectionists.
If anyone ever says to you, "Oh, my problem is I'm such a perfectionist!" the very first thing you should do is punch that person in the face. Because, first off, that would really show them how "perfect" they are, with a black eye and everything. And, second, because anyone who thinks he or she is a perfectionist first has to think that he or she is capable of perfection, which is what we call Delusions of Grandeur. So if they're saying that to you, it's because they think you'll be impressed about them having such a tragically important problem, because you aren't a perfectionist. Which means they think you aren't capable of perfection. And that means they think they're better than you. And not only better than you, but so much more smart and perfect that they can say things like that right to your face and you'll just say "Oh, no! Being a perfectionist is your strength! Please don't change!" But you aren't going to say that. You're just going to punch them in the face. And then turn the other cheek, because you're the better man (or woman, depending on who's receiving this valuable advice right now). That's what Jesus would do, too, by the way, so be sure to mention that after you turn the other cheek, for one last "in your face, Miss (or Mr.) Perfect!"
Valuable Advice: Dealing with an unpleasant or dictatorial governor
A lot of governors are abusing their power lately, so if yours is doing this, the first thing you should know is that you're not alone. There are many other people out there who also hate your governor's abuse of power, and they need to hear from you. You could start by storming your Capitol. Bring signs that express your anger in a smart way, and be sure to spellcheck them before you print them out. If you're handwriting your sign, please have nice handwriting, because your sign already doesn't look as smart as some of the other ones. Once the storming dies down, you should continue to visit your Capitol regularly, with your sign, and your friends, and also write letters, start blogs, and generally not stop talking about how much you hate your governor's abuse of power until that abuse of power ends. Alternatively, you could move to a blue state.
Valuable Advice: Never trust a child.
Children are wonderful. They are smart and funny and sweet and full of hope and promise. I simply adore children. But they are not to be trusted. This really should go without saying, but I've noticed a lot of people trusting children lately, which is a huge mistake.
Valuable Advice: The book was better than the movie.
There are only two or three cases in which this was not true, so just believe it. If you want to like the movie, don't read the book first. If you want to be a better person, read the book and skip the movie. And then tell everyone who talks about the movie about how you don't want to ruin your sublime reading experience by stooping to that level, but, hey, you're glad they liked it.
Valuable Advice: How to tell if you have a leftist cat.
Unless you have a very expensive special-order or store bought cat of a breed that is typically described with the words "regal" or "elegant" or "pedigreed," you probably do have a leftist cat. Cats are, by nature, leftists, and it takes generations of inbreeding and domestication to suppress these natural instincts and replace them with the sort of territorial, capitalistic arrogance typical of cats that have been brainwashed into conservatism. Such cats, however, are rare, and you need not worry unnecessarily about this condition. Unless your cat gives you reason to doubt it, it's safe to assume your cat is indeed a leftist. If you do not wish to have a leftist cat, please click the "x" in the upper right-hand corner and kindly refrain from reading my blog.
Note to readers seeking valuable advice:
Solicited advice on any topic is available, free of charge. Just email your question or the topic about which you'd like some advice to email@example.com with "advice" or "advice, please" or "extraordinary advice, please" in your subject line. Be sure to say if you want your name withheld, or I will include it in my reply.