Governor Announces Brown Bag Q&A with Walkerville Denizens

8 June 2011

Dear Scott Walker,

Cool logo, huh? The AFL-CIO made it. This is not a camping trip.

Good news! A symbolic contingent of that "handful of people" you keep talking about has has camped out outside of the Capitol to let you know that we, the people, continue to oppose, and will not tolerate, your abuse of power.  They've made a beautiful encampment around the Capitol Square, and even named it after you: Walkerville. I can't even imagine how that must make you feel! I couldn't wait to tell you this because I hadn't heard yet that you'd noticed, and I think this is an excellent opportunity for you to take your famous brown bag (tm) outside for lunch one of these days and field a few questions that some of them have for you.  Get someone to work right now on the press release: Governor Announces Brown Bag Q&A with Walkerville Denizens. Do you have any idea how good that makes you look to the rest of the world (which is still, by the way, watching)?

I stand in solidarity with all of these people. You may have heard of "solidarity" in some of the singing that really annoys some people (isn't freedom of speech annoying?!), because one of the songs we like to sing is called called "Solidarity Forever" (which you might know by its other name, "The Battle Hymn Against the Republicans"). Solidarity means we stand together, and speak with one voice, since we share the same myriad concerns, so I took the liberty of volunteering to help you prep for this Q&A/listening session.  What follows is what I hope you'll find an extremely helpful list of questions you are likely to be asked and some suggestions for how you might respond (the cameras, obviously, will be on you, so you probably shouldn't just "wing it" like you have at recent events).  Think of it as a cheat sheet of sorts (we all know how you like cheating!), so you don't have to write anything on your hand or waste anyone's time with that vacant, open-mouthed pause you've perfected of late. 

I would normally not provide this kind of service free of charge, but I figure it's the kind of selfless bipartisan gesture that could really bring our sides together, so why not be the better person (as usual) and just help you out a bit?  Oh, and since one of the trends I've noticed in your public and press appearances is a tendency to lie incessantly, I thought it would be a nice change of pace if you played the "straight-shooter" here and were uncharacteristically honest.  I think this would go a long way in impressing both your supporters and your opponents, who would all feel they had the chance to get to know the real you, being honest and talking straight to the people you govern, munching the ham sandwich that has symbolically saved our state from the brink of financial collapse. So here you go:

Questions You Will Likely Field During Your 

Brown Bag "Listening Session" At Walkerville, 

and Suggested Responses:

Taxpayer: Why are you such an asshole? [variation: Why are you such a dick, bastard, idiot, etc?]

Editor's note: I'm very sorry to start with this one, but I figured it's either going to be the first or the most frequent question you'll be asked, so let's just get it out of the way before we move on to policy points.

Suggested response:  I'm sorry I've brought you to the point where you have no recourse but to use such language, but let's face it: I'm a total dick. And I'm going to stay that way until you either depose me or lose focus as a group and watch me get reelected for a second term, so get used to it.  I'm an arrogant, remorseless jerk, incapable of empathy [Editor's note: empathy is the ability to consider, relate to and understand the feelings and perspectives of others. Be sure to use this word, as both your supporters and your detractors will be thrilled to learn that you now know what it means]. I don't want to go into the "why" of it, because then we get into a long story about my childhood, and my college years, and my feelings of inadequacy and inferiority about dropping out of college, and the ensuing need to overcompensate and my contempt for anyone with a degree, so let's just leave that one off the table: I'm an asshole, and I'm not going to let a handful of out-of-state rabble rousers give the rest of the country the impression that the taxpayers of Wisconsin didn't know when they hired me to be CEO of this state that I am now, and I always have been, an asshole.

Taxpayer: Why do you hate my children?

Suggested response: Well, that's a complicated question, because there are so many angles to it. But I guess the main reason is because your children are not rich [or white, depending on who asked the question; in some cases you might say both]. My policies are carefully designed to benefit affluent families, whose predominately white children I actually love very much. So I don't hate all children, let me make that very clear. Just yours. Kids who go to private schools, kids who already have health insurance either through their married parents' work or through their single mother, are ok in my book. Kids who want to get a special voucher to let the state pay for them to go to a private school so that their parents can have a chance at cementing the racist class system that keeps so many people down all over this country - those kids I adore. Kids with disabilities, and just your average public school kids, not so much. And homeless kids? I can't even bear to look at them.

Taxpayer: Why do you hate my parents?

Suggested response: Hey now, that's not fair. You shouldn't just assume I hate your parents - your parents could be millionaires for all I know! 

If the person insists his/her parents are not millionaires, add this:

Just because I don't support programs like Senior Care, and just because the AARP has launched a major campaign to make sure people know how dangerous my policies are for the hundreds of thousands of senior citizens in our state - people who worked hard their whole lives and paid, diligently and patriotically into a system they trusted - doesn't mean I "hate" them. It just means I have no respect for them, and that I don't have a moral problem with their not being able to afford food, housing or medical care. It's so like you liberals to jump to a logical conclusion based on evidence and facts.

Taxpayer: Why do you hate me?

Suggested response: Well, it's a nice day and we're all here to listen and to move forward. So I'll just say that, again, just because I'm trying as hard as I can to force you out of your job, steal your pension, reduce your health care benefits, you name it!, doesn't mean I hate you. It just means I have no respect for you. None. In fact, I think my good friend Glenn Grothman said it best, and I think a lot of taxpayers are wondering what I'm doing right now, talking to you people when I could be out raising money to keep you in the gutter where you belong. So you could be a little more grateful, if you don't mind my saying. I'm here, aren't I? Next question.

Taxpayer: Why do you hate Wisconsin?

Suggested response: Well, I'm not from Wisconsin originally, but I did move here when I was 10, so I like to tell people I "grew up in Wisconsin" because, I was literally still growing then, and have continued to live here since. And I guess I would have to say, the main thing I hate about Wisconsin is its history. Especially its history of progressivism, union building, and success. I'd like to see all of this destroyed in a new, better Wisconsin, where there's less talk of "the people" and "moving forward" and more privatizing of everything. Look at craft beers for example - you guys like beers right? - imagine how much better off we'd all be if it was a little easier for Miller/Coors to compete with big brands like Anheuser-Busch? You'd support that, right? You'd take one for the team, right? That's my philosophy for Wisconsin: take one for the team. A team of highly paid corporate lackeys who will control your assets and make sure everything is taken care of. Just think of all the jobs that will be created when all those small-time breweries close down and then all of those people can get the new jobs that I'll create just for them! So don't worry about it! I've got this under control. That's another thing I hate about Wisconsin - there's just too much democracy. The people of this Wisconsin did not hire me to be CEO of this state so that I could spend all my time "listening to the people" and "representing them" - if I did that, nothing would get done around here. And I'm not going to let a handful of people show me what democracy looks like, even if I have to put an end to democracy to avoid seeing that.

Taxpayer: Why are you such a liar?

Suggested response: Well, that's a relative question. I think it's pretty clear, as Stephen Colbert once said, that reality does tend to have a pretty liberal bias, so telling the truth isn't really an option for me if I want to continue duping my supporters into thinking I have the best interests of this state in mind. But, you know, that's a good question, and you certainly have the right to express that point of view, and I respect that.

Taxpayer: What do you think about making the Cream Puff the state dessert, when people of this state have been advocating for years for the Kringle to take the honor?

Suggested response: [start with your phony cackling laugh to break the ice - this is a great question for you to try to wrap things up with!] Well, the people of the great state of Wisconsin really know better than anyone how to make a dessert, and the Cream Puff is pretty famous from what I understand, and there are probably people out there, from Illinois or the Twin Cities, who say the Kringle should have a chance, too. And they have every right to say that. But I'm not going to let a handful of people dictate what dessert the majority of people in line to buy Cream Puffs at the State Fair say is the best dessert in this great state. I'm not going to let them do that. Cream Puffs may be nationally ubiquitous (like the robin), but ours are the best, and we're not going to let them stop us from moving forward on this. And when the people of Wisconsin elected me to be CEO of this state, they knew I was the kind of guy who would make the bold moves, and, hey, we're broke! It's not about "what do we want?" here, it's about "what's going to fix this crisis?" And if there's one thing that can turn this state around, it's our famous Cream Puff.

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And there you have it! You'll probably get some variations on these same questions, but I think if you just stick to the script and your usual talking points, this could be a really mutually beneficial event and I do not have a doubt that after all these months of being alternately ignored and insulted by you, forcing you to have an actual, meaningful conversation with your constituents you would be the final nail in your political coffin, which is, of course, our ultimate goal.

So, I look forward to what could, potentially, be the last of your disgustingly hypocritical brown bag lunches, and that you'll take this opportunity either to wake up to the fact that we are not going away and you cannot ignore us, or resign.

Until you do,

Heather DuBois Bourenane

Wisconsin citizen and friend of Walkerville and all it represents to your growing and well-earned reputation as a hater of democracy

Walkerville at night is a beautiful sight. Photo: Madthinker.

This is not about the money.  And it never was.  Photo: Madthinker